Longshot (2001)

Longshot is one of the most inexplicable movies ever made. It’s the kind of the movie that is so awful that, if you are religious, it might actually make you question the existence of a creator; how could a benevolent being allow for such a movie to be made?  Who exactly was the movie made for? It’s simultaneously a crime thriller and a teen comedy. It features endless cameos by (then) hot teenage acts like N’SYNC, O Town, and Britney Spears. Yet, despite all the big names involved, the movie was never given a theatrical release and went straight to DVD. 

I would have never known of its existence had not my then roommate, Peter, found it in the five dollar bin at Wal-Mart and purchased it. We had a fondness for bad movies and spent many wasted hours watching them, pondering how in the hell they were ever made.  Longshot is one of those movies that nearly defeated us, even consuming large amounts of alcohol wasn’t enough to numb the pain; it worked for Spice World, but Longshot prove to be a different beast.  With each passing minute, Peter and I began to doubt our sanity. Was this movie real? Was this a nightmare?  Would we ever wake up from it? Sadly, Longshot is no nightmare and it does, indeed, exist. Right now, it is lying dormant, underneath the couch of some drunken college student, just waiting for some sucker to slip it into a DVD player, where it can unleash all of its horror onto the unsuspecting world.   

Longshot has a fairly offbeat (and obnoxious) framing device:  It opens and ends with the boy band, O Town, watching the movie in the comfy confines of their living room. At first they are skeptical of its quality - one of the members ordered a copy of Longshot off of television. However,  by the movie’s end they are completely won over by its inspiring message of “believing in yourself” and cheer when our teenage protagonist, Alex, wins a contest by sinking a half time half court shot at a basketball  game; the money prize is conveniently the same amount the heroine, Rachel, needs to save her company from going under.  The members of O Town not only are awful actors, but they have a habit of talking over each other’s lines that makes the dialogue incomprehensible; who knows maybe the “director”, Lionel C. Martin, was trying to pay homage to Howard Hawks and his use of overlapping dialogue.  Either way, it is one of the most painful five minutes ever put on celluloid.  Sadly, the god awful opening maybe the most memorable thing about Longshot; it’s the only part of the movie I vaguely remembered after having watched it the first time around. 

Louis Pearlman is credited with co-writing the screenplay with star, Tony DeCamillis; Pearlman was the svengali behind many of the teeny bopper acts that appear in the movie.  This begs the question – What was the writing process of Longshot? Did DeCamillis originally write the screenplay, in hopes it would be a star making vehicle, only for Pearlman to get his hands on and use it for his own ends? Did Pearlman commission DeCamillis to write the screenplay? Did they collaborate on it together?  I tend to favor the first theory myself – the cameos by the teenage acts are so extraneous and distracting that it feels like they came in later rewrites.  Why would Pearlman use this particular script to showcase the “acting” abilities of his musical talent?  Did his clients volunteer their services or were the contractually obliged to appear in this monstrosity?  If he wanted to showcase their acting abilities, then why have them appear in cameos?  It’s one of the most misguided attempts at marketing I have ever seen - Pearlman managed to persuade all this young talent to appear in a movie that few people ever saw. It certainly didn't further their careers and in some cases (N’SYNC  and Britney Spears) the exposure wasn't necessary as they were already huge stars.  

The “plot” revolves around personal fitness trainer, and gigolo, Jack Taylor (Tony DeCamillis) who is having an affair with the wife of corrupt businessman, Lazlo Pryce (Paul Sorvino). When Lazlo learns of the affair he threatens to kill Jack, and his younger brother Alex, unless Jack travels to New York to seduce Rachel Montgomery(Hunter Tylo), a sexy widower who is on the verge of selling her company.  Jack is supposed to relay any insider information Lazlo’s way about the upcoming transaction. However, things become doubly complicated when not only do Rachel and Jack fall for each other, but also Alex and Rachel’s daughter, Kelly (Jessica Wesson).  I suspect that DeCamillis is responsible for the Rachel/Jack story line and that it was Pearlman that dreamed up the Alex/Kelly subplot. They are tonally two very different stories – the first one is a wannabe thriller, while the second is a teen comedy.  It also seems like a vain attempt by Pearlman to groom Joey Schulthorpe (Alex) into the next big teen sensation; not only is he given a “juicy” lead role, but a musical number as well – he sings (more accurately, lip syncs) a pop song, “A Reason to Love Me" to Kelly. She is, naturally, smitten with Alex and in him finds the perfect man, while he places her high on the pedestal that she deserves to be on. Yecch! Schulthorpe exceeds expectations by being both a terrible actor and a terrible singer. It is not surprising that this is his sole acting credit.

What is surprising is how Pearlman and DeCamillis were able to get well established talent like Paul Sorvino, Antonio Sabato, Jr., Hunter Tylo, Danielle Fishel, and Zachery Ty Bryan to appear in this movie. They all appear in fairly important roles, too. What was their motivation for appearing in this movie? The paycheck couldn't have been that big. Hell, they probably could have gotten more money by appearing in an infomercial. The movie was released straight to DVD, so it's not like it broadened their fan base. No teenager is going to watch Longshot and be like, "WOW! That Paul Sorvino is an amazing actor! I wonder what other movies he has starred in!"  What in the hell were they thinking?

The cameos are extremely jarring, largely because they’re played in a very tongue in cheek manner, which is completely at odds with the sincerity of the lead performers.   Plus, they don’t serve any real narrative function, they are merely a gimmick attract the viewer’s interest.  It also amazing how long the camera will linger on the stars after they make their first appearance; Britney Spears, in a part that foreshadows her “Toxic” video, has a cameo as an airline attendant. After exchanging a few bits of dialogue with the main character, Jack, she then goes to the  cockpit to give the crew their coffee; the pilot swivels around in his chair and is revealed to be Kenny Rogers (who tells Britney,"You are my lady.”), while the co-pilot is none other than K.C. from K.C. and the Sunshine Band (when Britney gives him a cup of coffee, nice and sweet, he remarks,“That’s the way I like it.”)  The camera then pans over to reveal N’SYNC member, Lance Bass, as the flight engineer. The most embarrassing moment, in the entire movie, is when Lance Bass spouts the line, "They've got to get in sync,” and then smiles at the camera.  This is over a minute of screen time and its sole purpose is to elicit a cheap laugh.  WOW! There’s even a longer sequence involving Justin Timberlake as a smart alecky valet. When he hears an N’SYNC song on the radio, he screams, “What is this music?” Ha Ha! Get it! Justin Timberlake is a member of N’SYNC and he thinks their music sucks! Ha Ha!  Sadly, after Paul Sorvino, Timberlake and Spears probably give the best performances in the entire movie; their line reading is naturalistic when compared to the lead actors. Bass, on the other hand, is hilariously stiff in his line delivery and looks like he is reading off cue cards. 

Tony DeCamillis is not only a hack screenwriter, but an incredibly bland leading man. His performance isn't bad enough to be laughable and it's not competent enough to elicit sympathy, instead he is a complete bore. It is evident that he was hoping this would be his big breakout film; his name is all over the credits, unfortunately (for him anyways) his performance is overwhelmed by gratuitous cameos and extremely piss poor writing. I'm still baffled as to how, and why, this movie got made. If you are fan bad of cinema, and have a high tolerance level, then Longshot is a fascinating movie. Everyone else BEWARE! 

Credits

Cast:  Tony DeCamillis (Jack Taylor), Hunter Tylo (Rachel Montgomery), Joey Schulthorpe (Alex Taylor), Paul Sorvino (Lazlo Pryce), Antonio Sabato, Jr. (Tommy Sutton), Jessica Wesson (Kelly Montgomery), Zachery Ty Bryan (Deke), Danielle Fishel (Gloria), Ellen Albertini Dow (Mrs. Fleisher), Britney Spears (Flight Attendant), Louis Pearlman (Captain Lewis), Justin Timberlake (Valet), Joey Fatone (Pizza Chef), Kenny Rogers (Pilot), Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (Mugger), Lance Bass (Flight Engineer), Dan Miller, Trevor Penick, Erik-Michael, Estrada,Ashley Parker, Angel, Jacob Underwood (O Town), J.C. Chasez (Pizzeria Worker), Chris Kirkpatrick (Pizzeria Patron), Harry “K.C.” Wayne Casey (Co-Pilot).

Director: Lionel C. Martin
Screenplay: Tony DeCamillis, Louis J. Pearlman.
Running Time: 93 min.

Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

If you were to ask the average James Bond fan where they would rank Diamonds Are Forever, they would probably put it towards the bottom of their list. It’s a much maligned entry in the series and is considered to be the worst of the Connery Bond movies (though, I prefer it to You Only Live Twice).Their vitriol is understandable; it comes directly after On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, which is regarded as being one of the best (if the not  the best) James Bond films.  On Her Majesty’s Secret Service was, for the most part, a fairly realistic thriller with a great Bond girl (Diana Rigg) and formidable villain in Telly Savalas (as Blofeld). Diamonds Are Forever, however, is a rather silly movie with over the top characters (Blofeld’s gay henchmen, Mr.Kidd and Mr. Wint, the reclusive billionaire, Willard Whyte, to name a few), a campy villain (Charles Gray’s Blofeld), and an attractive, but extremely useless Bond girl, Tiffany Case (Jill St. John).  It completely ignores the tragic ending of the previous movie to make way for some cool gadgetry and silly James Bond quips. 

The biggest flaw with Diamonds Are Forever is that it stars the wrong actor – this would have been an ideal Roger Moore adventure.  Moore’s tongue-in-cheek approach to the role would have been at home in this movie, especially the scene where Bond takes on the sexy, but deadly bodyguards Bambi and Thumper.  Connery’s intensity and dry delivery is completely out of place in this movie and, as a result, he looks bored. It has become trendy to bash Roger Moore on the internet, but I rather enjoy his humorous interpretation of the role. Sure, Moore's Bond is as far removed from Ian Fleming as you can get, but his tongue in cheek delivery suited the silly scripts he was given.  Diamond Are Forever would have been a better debut for Moore’s Bond than Live and Let Die - which is bogged down by an extremely long boat chase and dreadful comic relief in the form of redneck sheriff, Claude Pepper (who would reappear in The Man With the Golden Gun).  However, at least Connery looks good in the action scenes.  

Tiffany Case is a wasted opportunity at a potentially great Bond girl. She starts off promising and then gets increasingly dumber as the movie progresses. In the early scenes, she is shown to be pretty savvy; she is a diamond smuggler and when Bond first appears to her, under the disguise of Peter Franks, she uses the finger prints he’s left on a drinking glass to verify his ID; Bond, of course, is one step ahead of her and is wearing false finger prints on the tip of his fingers.  It’s trendy to criticize Jill St. John, but I think she plays the role appropriately enough, and, while she maybe shrill at times, she is at least lively, especially when compared to some of the later Bond girls.  The problem is the script, by Richard Maibaum and Tom Mankiewicz, which turns Tiffany into more of a hindrance to Bond than actual help. It’s so annoying at the movie’s climax when she literally does nothing, except scream and hide, while the world is going to hell around her.  I complained about how devoid of personality Aki and Kissy Suzuki were in You Only Live Twice, but at least they were helpful; Aki saves Bonds life on a couple of occasions, and Kissy is not only a valuable guide to Bond, but, rather bravely, swims back to shore to get the reinforcements; she even takes out a few baddies with a gun.  Tiffany Case only bungles things up and then, when Bond tells her to grab a machine gun and take out a few henchmen, accidentally falls off the rig while firing it.   Couldn’t Maibaum and Mankiewicz at least given her something valuable to do? Instead she is relegated to comedy relief. 

The less I say about the secondary Bond girl, Plenty O' Toole, the better.

Yet, for all of its warts, Diamonds Are Forever is pretty watchable movie - there are certainly worse ways you can spend two hours. It may not be up to par with Connery’s early Bond movies, but there are enough exciting moments that make it worthwhile:  The fist fight in the elevator, with Bond and foe constantly shattering glass every time they throw a punch; Bond almost being cremated in a coffin; the car chase through the Las Vegas strip, which ends in a parking lot; Bond escaping his would be captors in a moon rover; Jimmy Dean’s amusing performance as the eccentric billionaire, Willard Whyte; and, most memorable of all, Bonds fight with Bambi and Thumper. The latter scene is fun, because Bond is completely defenseless against the acrobatics that the women lay out on him - it’s a totally unconventional fight scene, at least for that time period.  Now, if only they would have gotten Roger Moore.

For the record, this is how I would rank the Bond movies:

1)      From Russia With Love

2)      On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

3)      Skyfall

4)      Goldfinger

5)      The Spy Who Loved Me

6)      Dr. No

7)      Casino Royale

8)      Licence to Kill

9)      For Your Eyes Only

10)   The Living Daylights

11)   Thunderball

12)   GoldenEye

13)  Moonraker

14) Diamonds Are Forever

15)   You Only Live Twice

16)  Octopussy

17) The Man With the Golden Gun

18)  A View to a Kill

19)   Tomorrow Never Dies
20) Live and Let Die
21) No Time to Die

22)   The World Is Not Enough

23)  Spectre 

24)   Quantum of Solace

25) Die Another Day

Credits

Cast: Sean Connery (James Bond), Jill St. John (Tiffany Case), Charles Gray (Blofeld), Lana Wood (Plenty O’Toole), Jimmy Dean (Willard Whyte), Bruce Cabot (Saxby), Bruce Glover(Mr. Wint), Putter Smith(Mr. Kidd), Norman Burton (Felix Leiter), Bernard Lee (M), Desmond Llewelyn (Q), Lois Maxwell (Miss Moneypenny), Trina Parks (Thumper), Lola Larson (Bambi), Joseph Furst (Dr. Metz), Laurence Naismith (Sir Donald Munger), Joe Robinson (Peter Franks), Margaret Lacey (Mrs. Whistler), Leonard Barr (Shady Tree), Marc Lawrence (Attendant), Sid Haig (Attendant 2).

Director: Guy Hamilton
Screenplay: Richard Maibaum, Tom Mankiewicz.
Running Time: 120 min.