Doctor Who: The Two Doctors (1985)

Patrick Troughton is my favorite Doctor, yet even he can’t salvage the mess that is The Two Doctors. It’s extremely depressing to think that this rather ugly serial would be Troughton’s swan song as the Doctor.  To add insult to injury, Troughton’s Doctor is given little do it and is completely useless. 
The story gets off to a promising start, with The Second Doctor and Jamie in the TARDIS, getting ready to board a space station to see a scientist, Dastari.  There is even a nice stylistic choice by beginning the episode in black and white, to pay homage to Troughton’s tenure as the Doctor, and then gradually changing over into color.  It’s fun to see Troughton and Frazer Hines interact with each other, and these opening scenes are probably the best moments in the entire story. Sadly, once they board the space station things take a turn for the worst. 

The Colin Baker Era (seasons 22 and 23) is widely criticized, justifiably so, for the terrible writing and The Two Doctors is no exception.  The Second Doctor, “unofficially” representing the Time Lords, tells Dastari that he needs to put a stop to time travel experiments being done by two scientists named Kartz and Reimer. This offends Dastari, but before he can demand the Doctor to leave, he is knocked out by a drug, while the Doctor is taken prisoner by a Sontaran; Jamie manages to escape.  This exchange between the Doctor and Dastari perfectly sums up what is wrong with this episode: the two characters spend at least five minutes talking about the experiments of two scientists that we never see.  Why even bring up the names Kartz and Reimer if they don’t make an appearance?  It would have been much more effective, and simpler, if Dastari was the one doing the experiments and the Doctor demanded that he stop.  

The Colin Baker Era was often burdened with endless subplots that didn’t go any where. When the Sixth Doctor, through a series of contrivances, arrives at the space station, he is appalled to find that everyone aboard has been massacred and wonders aloud who could have done such a thing. A computer voice tells him that it was the Time Lords.  The Doctor doesn’t believe it and is certain that some one is trying to frame them. His deductions are correct when, by the description Jamie gives him, he concludes that it was the Sontarans.  This subplot might have been effective if it weren’t for the fact that the audience already knows it was Sontarans who were responsible for the massacre.  This whole sequence confuses me:  are we supposed to believe it was the Time Lords? If so, then why show us the Sontarans in the early going? If not, then why treat it like a mystery? The Sixth Doctor spends a good chunk of the story trying to solve this “mystery”; it's not until the second episode that he concludes it was the Sontarans.  

Jamie is also adamant that he has seen the Second Doctor murdered by Dastari and company. The Sixth Doctor, naturally, dismisses this because if his earlier incarnation had been killed then couldn’t exist. However, the Sixth Doctor postulates that his earlier self could have died and the reason that he is still alive is because he is at the “epicenter” of the time experiments.  He then tells Peri that such a paradox could bring about the end of the universe and, in fact, the “collapse of the universe has started.”  A few seconds later, the Sixth Doctor stumbles across a hologram of the Second Doctor being killed. Yup! All that speculating about the end of the universe was just to eat up valuable running time. Again, what was the point of this scene? The reveal that the Second Doctor’s murder was just a hologram might have been surprising if it weren’t for the fact that, in the previous episode, we see him being carried to hacienda by Dastari and the Sontaran, Stike.  Why create a mystery when there isn’t one in the first place?  

I admit I find the plot of The Two Doctors to be rather confusing:  Dastari, through a series of operations, has transformed Chessense, an Androgum (a bestial alien species) into a beautiful, and brilliant, woman. They form an alliance with the Sontarans so they can unlock the secrets of Time Lord time travel; Kartz and Reimer have even built a prototype TARDIS.  They find out that the Time Lords have a symbiotic relationship with their TARDISes and hope to extract DNA from the Second Doctor, so they can get their TARDIS to work.  Meanwhile, Shockeye, a “pure” Androgrum (and chef), is solely interested in tasting human flesh as he has never tasted it before.  The Sixth Doctor, along with Peri and Jamie, must stop Chessene and the Sontarans before it’s too late.  This is essentially the storyline, but is riddled with inconsistencies:

1)      The whole reason for kidnapping the Second Doctor is so the Sontarans and Chessene can have access to time travel, but everyone seems to overlook the fact that the Sontarans, at least in previous episodes, already have access to time travel. Why would they align themselves with someone as duplicitous as Chessene?  

2)      In the episode three, Chessene says to hell with extracting the “symbotic nuclei,” let’s turn the Doctor into an Androgum.  She has Dastari implant the Doctor with Shockeye’s DNA. This plot really doesn’t go anywhere; the Second Doctor briefly turns into an Androgum and finds a kindred spirit in Shockeye. The two of them go to a local restaurant, managed by Oscar, and sample all of the food. However, the Doctor’s body eventually rejects the transfusion and he returns to his normal state. 

3)      Dastari has a change of heart when Chessene orders that the Sixth Doctor be killed. Dastari protests, fearing how the Time Lords will react when one of their own has been murdered.  Wouldn’t the operations Dastari performed on the Second Doctor upset the Time Lords, too? The Time Lords were already disturbed by the time travel experiments being performed by Kartz and Reimer, so certainly they would be equally upset at Dastari for using own of their own as a guinea pig. 

4)      It should also be noted that during Troughton’s tenure the Doctor was on the run from the Time Lords and it wasn't until his last story, The War Games, that they finally caught up with him.  Therefore, it is rather odd that he is on an “unofficial” mission from the Time Lords, when they technically shouldn't know his whereabouts.  Though, a similar error occurs in The Five Doctors, when the Second Doctor is able to remember events that occurred a few minutes before his supposed regeneration.  Of course, these inconsistencies have been retconned into the season 6b theory, which states the Time Lords didn’t force the Doctor to regenerate after his trial in The War Games, but, instead, used him as an agent to carry out their will. The fact that we never see the Second Doctor fully regenerate at the end of The War Games does lend this theory some credence. 

Oddly enough, while everything that I just described is, basically, the plot to The Two Doctors, it only constitutes about 50% of the actual story; a good portion of the screen time is devoted to the Sixth Doctor and companions wandering around. Hell, it isn’t until midway through the second part that the Sixth Doctor gets involved with the main action.  It’s even more shameful that Patrick Troughton spends most of his screen time strapped to an operating table.  The Two Doctors is the longest of all the multi-Doctor stories (roughly 135 minutes), yet the two Doctors have less than ten minutes of total screen time together.  There’s also a subplot involving the bumbling actor/restaurant manager, Oscar, and his girlfriend, Anita, as they go moth hunting.  There is a lot of filler, but very little suspense.

None of these inconsistencies would really matter if The Two Doctors was actually a fun story, but, sadly, despite the presence of Troughton and Hines, it is one joyless mess.  This, unfortunately, was the rule rather than the exception in the Colin Baker Era (and even for a good portion of the Peter Davison years). The Two Doctors is a mean-spirited and, shockingly, nihilistic story.  We are witness to such repugnant acts like: the murder of an old, blind woman; Shockeye killing a truck driver (this scene is extremely upsetting because the Second Doctor, in his Androgum state, is an accomplice to the crime); Oscar being stabbed in the heart by Shockeye; Chessene, unable to control her primitive urges, lapping up a puddle of the Sixth Doctor’s blood; the Sontarans being melted by coronic acid; Shockeye constantly drooling over Peri and Jamie; and the Docter killing Shockeye with cyanide. Doctor Who, at its best, not only elicits a sense of wonder, but can make you think as well.  The Two Doctors, on the other hand, is merely content with shocking its audience. The murder of Oscar, for example, doesn’t really have any narrative value, it merely exists to jolt the viewer. Even worse is that his death is treated as a joke; after he gets stabbed Oscar quips, “Dissatisfied customers usually just don’t leave a tip.” He recites a passage from Hamlet and tells his girlfriend, Anita, to look after his moth collection, and then he dies.

It’s also hampered by the some of the worst villains in Doctor Who history: Dastari and Chessene are boring; John Stratton chews the scenery as Shockeye and is more comical than scary; Shockeye is supposed to possess super strength, but his flabby physique suggests otherwise; and the Sontarans, Varl and Stike, are absolutely worthless.  They exist mainly to be given gruesome deaths. Why even include them in the story? They were supposedly added at the suggestion of producer John Nathan Turner, much to the chagrin of scriptwriter, Robert Holmes. It definitely shows, because they could have easily removed from the script and no one would be any the wiser. 

However, the main problem with The Two Doctors, and all of the Colin Baker, is the often toxic relationship between the Sixth Doctor and his companion, Peri. Naturally, the first time we meet them in the story, they are bickering; The Sixth Doctor is fishing and Peri is bored.  This moment perfectly sums up their relationship: nonstop bickering.  These moments are supposed to be funny, but they extremely tiresome after awhile. Why would Peri want to travel with this Doctor? Why would the Doctor want a complete wet blanket like Peri as a companion?  The plan for the Sixth Doctor was that he was supposed to start off as a bad apple, but, as his travels progressed, his lighter side would eventually emerge. This isn’t necessarily a bad idea, after all, that is how the First Doctor (William Hartnell) started out; in An Unearthly Child the Doctor is, essentially, the villain of the piece.  However, there are two specific reasons why this worked so well in the Hartnell Era and why it fell flat under Colin Baker:

1)      The companions.  An Unearthly Child is told from the point of view of school teachers, Ian Chesterton and Barbara Wright. They are both likable characters and their concern over one of their students, Susan, leads them directly to the Doctor and the TARDIS.  The Doctor is initially hostile towards both of them, but, as the series progressed, he eventually warms up to them and their positive influence wears off on him.  They constantly challenged the Doctor and, as a result, this would force him to rethink his position on many things.  Peri, on the other hand, just complains the entire time. The writers should have spent time trying to develop the relationship of the Doctor and Peri, but it virtually remained the same. There was some attempt, mainly by the actors, to soften the relationship in The Mysterious Planet, but it was too little too late; in fact, the next serial, Mind Warp, would be Peri’s final story.  Also, poor Nicola Bryant, she spent most of her time on Doctor Who, running around in revealing, or tight outfits, and being leered at by grotesque alien monsters. There was never any real attempt to develop Peri into a competent companion, her sole function is to provide eye candy for the male viewers. 

2)      The Doctor’s good side is hinted at with the close bond he shares with his granddaughter, Susan. The Doctor always has her best interest at heart and we, rightfully, suspect underneath his grumpy exterior that he is really a good man; he just needs Ian and Barbara to remind him of this fact. Our suspicions are confirmed later on in the series when the Doctor takes the orphaned Vicki under his wing. It’s interesting that in Vicki’s first story, The Rescue, that it is the Doctor she takes an immediate liking to, while being slightly suspicious of Ian and Barbara. There is not a hint of this in Season 22; instead we are constantly bombarded with unpleasant characters, gratuitous violence, and a very ineffectual Doctor.  Colin Baker and Nicola Bryant did their best with the material they were given, but it wasn’t enough to overcome the poor writing and the shoddy production values. 

It can be argued that is The Two Doctors is supposed to be unpleasant, as it is an anti-meat, anti-hunting, pro-vegetarian parable by Robert Holmes. The problem is that whatever message Holmes was trying to get across gets lost in the endless subplots, boring villains, and ridiculous moments (Shockeye and the Second Doctor eating twelve servings at a restaurant, Oscar’s cowardice, etc). It’s a script that is in desperate need of a rewrite.  Why over complicate such a straightforward message? If Holmes wanted to do anti-hunting story, then why not do a version of The Most Dangerous Game with the Doctor? The simplicity of that story is what makes it great. Why would you even want to shoe horn a message into a multi-Doctor story? It’s not exactly the ideal venue.  Holmes was one of the better writers on Classic Who, The Two Doctors is one of his few misfires.

There is little to recommend in The Two Doctors; because Patrick Troughton is given very little to do, the only bright spot in the story is the character of Anita (Carmen Gomez).  She is immensely likable character and is far more help to the Doctor than Peri ever was.  When the Sontaran spaceship lands, she, mistakenly, believes that an airplane has crashed and immediately wants to help; her character is brimming with compassion - a rarity in the Colin Baker Era.  

It’s a shame that the Sixth Doctor didn’t exchange Peri for her.  Or better yet, the Second Doctor should have invited her to come along traveling with him and Jamie in the TARDIS. That would have made for a fun adventure. 

Credits

Cast: Colin Baker (The Sixth Doctor), Patrick Troughton (The Second Doctor), Nicola Bryant (Peri), Frazer Hines (Jamie), John Stratton (Shockeye), Jacqueline Pearce (Chessene), Laurence Payne (Dastari), James Saxon (Oscar), Carmen Gomez (Anita), Tim Raynham (Varl), Clinton Greyn (Stike), Aimée Delamain (Doña Arana), Nicholas Fawcett (Technician).

Director: Peter Moffatt
Writer: Robert Holmes
Running Time: 135 min [3 Episodes]

Devil Seed (2012)

The rapid advances in technology have made it so that practically anyone can make a movie; editing software is readily available and digital camcorders are fairly cheap.  A young, passionate filmmaker can even bypass a distributor and just upload his movie on YouTube, on the hope that it will get views.  Of course, more often than not the movie in question is extremely horrendous, which brings me to the Devil Seed.  

 
I have my own theory about the movie’s origins:  One night, director/writer, Greg A. Sager had a double feature of The Exorcist and Rosemary’s Baby. After the viewing was over, Sager had an epiphany, “What would happen if I combined The Exorcist and Rosemary’s Baby? It would be TWICE the scares!” He then high fived himself for this brilliant idea and began working on the script. When he realized the time and effort it took to write a screenplay, he simply photocopied the script to The Exorcist, and penciled in his own ideas; the heroine went from being a twelve year-old girl to an attractive college woman with two roommates (her loyal best friend and a bitchy, curvaceous blonde) and a cheating boyfriend.  He then rounded up a few friends and shot Devil Seed, on his iPhone, over the course of the weekend.  Naturally, the lead role went to the woman he had the major hots for, Michelle Argyris.  It explains so much! 
Now, I’m sure someone will come forward and be like, “That’s not what happened at all! This was a professional production!” If so, then that makes Devil Seed even worse.  It essentially follows the plot to The Exorcist beat for beat:

1)      There is a prologue which introduces Father Madison, as a young man, performing an exorcism on a possessed woman. This ends in disaster! The Exorcist has a prologue set in Iraq, which sets up the climactic battle between Father Merrin and the demon.

2)      Alex, the protagonist, first makes contact with the Devil through a psychic, while Regan used an Ouija board.  Though, Alex’s reason for seeking out a psychic is pretty amusing; her friend Jessica, on a drunken whim, decides that they should have their fortunes read and Alex acquiesces, mainly to humor her tipsy companion.

3)      Alex experiences the same things as young Regan; her bed starts shaking by itself, she urinates on the floor and she even does the “spider walk.”

4)      Father Madison, just like Merrin before him, gets re-introduced to the plot towards the end of the movie and attempts an exorcism on Alex.  The Devil even recognizes Father Madison, just like the demon recognized Merrin in The Exorcist.  Madison’s entrance is hardly a memorable one; he is sitting in a car outside of the haunted house.  It’s not exactly a visually striking moment, like Father Merrin standing outside the MacNeil house, silhouetted in a shaft of light. 

In The Exorcist, the apple cheeked face of Regan MacNeil (Linda Blair) was mutilated beyond recognition by the demon. In Devil Seed, Alex’s possession is visualized by applying black eye shadow under Michelle Argyris’ eyes, while she creepily stares at her roommates.  The end result: Agyris looks far more glamorous while under the Devil’s influence, than she does in her “normal” scenes. Was possessed Alex supposed to be hot? I could just imagine a group of bros watching this movie and, when Alex is first possessed, shouting out loud, “I’d tap that!” Couldn’t they have at least fitted her with creepy contact lenses? Covered her face with scars?  ANYTHING!  I once had a co-worker who was attempting to make a vampire movie, with a budget of $2,000 (according to him), and even he could afford creepy contact lenses.  He never finished his movie, and the footage he shot was pretty bad, but I’m sure it would have been better than Devil Seed.  

CHILL at the sight of an attractive college student staring at you in DEVIL SEED!  

Alex is a fairly passive heroine, as well. There is a montage of her looking up “demon possession” on Google (note to filmmakers: having a character stare at a computer screen is not scary, nor interesting, no matter how much spooky music you blare on the soundtrack), but she doesn’t do anything with the information she is given. She tries to hang a crucifix on her wall, but the Devil will have none of that. In fact, it is really her friend Jessica that drives the narrative. Jessica, concerned about Alex’s strange behavior, seeks advice from her professor, who just happens to be Father Madison’s son.  Jessica is easily the most likable character in Devil Seed, largely because her loyalty to Alex never wavers, despite all the crazy shit that she has witnessed. 

The acting, with the exception of Shantalle Canzanese, is dull. It one of those rare examples where terrible overacting would have preferable to what we are given – stilted line deliveries and very little emotions.  Alex has very little personality that it’s hard to really sympathize with what she is going through, while Breanne (Vanessa Broze) is a full fledged bitch.  Professor Madison is extremely patronizing (and completely inept) that you will probably hate him by the movie’s end. Father Madison is in so very little of the movie that he barely registers as a character. Brian is such a tool that it is head scratching as to why Alex (or Breaane, for that matter) is attracted to him.  

Devil Seed is 98 minutes long, but easily could have been an hour; a chunk of it is filler. There is a subplot that centers on Alex’s boyfriend, Brian, sleeping with her roommate, Breanne. Brian and Alex have been dating for two years, but have not gone the distance yet. This frustrates Brian, so he jumps in the bed with Alex’s willing roommate.  The movie never really delves into why Breanne resents Alex so much, or, for the matter, why Alex is still a virgin.  What’s important is that Alex’s virginity is the reason she is handpicked by Satan to bear his child.  The only payoff that comes from the Brian/Breanna subplot is that Breanna is given a gruesome death (she is mauled to death by the possessed Alex), while Brian walks away relatively unscathed. Seriously, he survives the ordeal, even though he is the most loathsome character in the entire movie; when the Devil starts shaking the bed, while Alex is on it, Brian goes off on a rant about how this is a ruse by her not to have sex. 

The movie itself is fairly repetitive: Alex goes to bed, wakes up and freaks out her roommates. The next morning, Jessica calls her out on it and Alex has no memory of it all. This happens, at least, three times in the movie.  Also, who did the casting in this movie?  The actor playing Professor Madison (Wayne Conroy) looks roughly the same age as the actor, Michael G. Wilmot, who is playing his father; I initially thought the professor was Father Madison’s brother.   

There a few hilarious moments scattered throughout: the Devil distracting Alex as she attempts to read a book; a possessed Alex quickly glides past the door in the background, while Jessica is facing the camera, calling out her name; Professor Madison’s inept attempts at trying to help Alex; and the exorcism at the movie’s climax.  Devil Seed is an awful movie, but it is watchable if you catch in the right frame of mind; namely with a group of friends and a case of beer.  

Credits

Cast: Michelle Argyris (Alex), Shantelle Canzanese (Jessica), Vanessa Broze (Breanne), Kevin Jake Walker (Brian), Wayne Conroy (Professor Madison), Michael G. Wilmot (Father Madison), Louise Hollingsworth (Psychic).

Director: Greg A. Sager
Screenplay:  Geoff Hart, Greg A. Sager.
Running Time: 98 min.

5 Minor Characters That Need Their Own Movie

1)      Percy Potts, The Lost World (1925)

Percy Potts is arguably the GREATEST CHARACTER IN MOVIE HISTORY! He is the wimpy stork clerk who successfully melts the icy heart of Gladys (the would be fiancée of the movie’s protagonist, Edward Malone).  It is Gladys that actually sets the plot in motion by telling Edward that she cannot marry until he has looked death in the eye. While Edward and company are risking their lives in South America, Gladys changes her mind and falls head over heels in love with the nebbish Percy.  Edward, rather than being angered by this, is relieved – for he has fallen in love with the angelic Paula White. He wishes the two love birds good luck and is on his way.

What the movie could be about:

Percy’s courtship of the lovely, but distant Gladys.  Percy will, at first, be extremely timid around Gladys, but eventually he works up the courage and asks her out on a date. Gladys, impressed by this “act of bravery,” agrees and, rather unexpectedly, finds herself falling in love with the squirrelly store clerk. As they are about to embark on their Honeymoon, all the traffic in London has come to a complete halt. They get out of their car and can’t believe what they are seeing: an Apatosaurus rampaging through the city streets.  After the excitement has worn down, they bump into Edward, who is delighted to hear Gladys’ news. 

2)      Earl, Halloween 4 (1988)

If Percy Potts is “arguably” the greatest character in movie history it’s only because he has a challenger to that title in the form of Earl, the bar owner in Halloween 4. When Earl learns that Michael Myers is back in town he forms a posse to track down the masked killer.  Unfortunately, Earl and his pals are extremely inept; they accidentally gun down the town drunk, Ted Hollister, whom they mistake for Michael Myers.  Earl comes to a gory end when Michael Myers reaches through the driver’s window of his pick up truck and rips off his head. 

What the movie could be about:

It would essentially be a reboot of Halloween 4 told entirely from Earl’s point of view. It will follow the many misadventures that Earl and his pals get into that fateful night, culminating in their gruesome deaths. However, an end credits scene will reveal that Earl has miraculous survived the attack and will devote the rest of his life to ridding the world of evil.

3)      Annie, Friday the 13^th (1980)

      

      Annie is the cheerful camp counselor who gets her throat slit in Friday the 13^th. She never actually makes it to the camp site and is murdered in the woods, while attempting to flee the killer. 

What the movie could be about:

Since Annie never makes it to the campgrounds, it would be impossible to show the events of Friday the 13^th from her point of view, rather, her story would best be told as prequel. It will depict the events that lead to Annie’s decision to become a counselor at Camp Crystal Lake. It will begin in complete chaos as Annie's high school sweet heart breaks up with her so he can sleep with college girls.  This will throw Annie into a bit of a crisis, however, she will find meaning in her life when she realizes that she is really good with children. One day, while scouring the wanted ads in the newspapers, she will find on opening at Camp Crystal Lake. The movie will end with her bidding small town “farewell,” and then heading off to her tragic destiny.

4)      The Pizza Delivery Man, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

If you grew up watching the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, then you will remember the scene where Michaelangelo short changes the Domino’s pizza man for being two minutes late. This, naturally, pisses the guy off and he complains to himself about getting a “new route.”

What the movie could be about:

After having this unusual encounter, the Pizza Delivery Man, rather than getting a new route, instead decides to get a different job. After weeks of searching, he gets a stocking job at a retail store.  However, it is not the paradise that he was expecting, especially after he learns that the management is part of a satanic cult that is bent on taking over the world. After mulling over this for a few days, he decides to clear his conscience by doing the right thing……..giving them his two weeks notice. He then gives them a half ass speech about “evil always losing” and then goes back to being a pizza delivery man. 

5)      The Hotel Manager, Ghostsbusters (1984)

Ghostbusters is generally regarded as the greatest movie of the 80s! I would provide a link to back my claim, but I don’t have the time. Just take my word for it! Who can forget the scene in the Sedgwick Hotel dining room? Ray, Igan, and Peter destroy the place while attempting to capture Slimer. More importantly, who could ever forget the uptight, twitchy manager of the hotel?

What the movie could be about:

These modern day filmmakers have got it all wrong: instead of making a third Ghostbusters movie, they should make a movie about the haunted hotel. The movie would center on the manager’s, unsuccessful, attempts at dealing with the paranormal activity, while trying to keep his sanity. It would essentially be a remake of the Marx Brothers movie The Cocoanuts, but with scary ghosts in place of the boring musical numbers. It gives the filmmakers a chance to continue the franchise, while doing something completely different at the same time.