Monday, January 30, 2012

REVOLUTIONARY FILM THEORY!

THE DISTRACTION THEORY: Or, the Jessica Alba Theory of Distraction
When a filmmaker casts an incredibly hot, but limited actress, in hopes that her goods look will be will be enough of a distraction from the film's overall crappiness.

This is what usually happens:
a producer receives a shitty script for an upcoming blockbuster, but rather than try to improve the script he decides he'll cast the current "It" girl in hopes that her hotness can gloss over the movie's many flaws. The best example is in 2005 when 20th Century Fox released the horrible Fantastic Four
adaptation. The filmmakers knew the script was garbage, but rather than make an attempt at rewriting it, they opted instead to cast Jessica Alba as Sue Storm/Invisible Woman solely for the fact that she was topping a lot of 100 Sexiest lists. This casting made absolutely no sense as Alba looked nothing like Sue Storm from the comics; but hot damn she is one good looking dish. To make sure the male going public would flock to see this true crapfest of a movie, the filmmakers decided there must be at least one scene in which Alba strips down to her undies. This is common ploy in most films that feature eye candy in the lead role (see just about every Jessica Biel movie.)

 Let me demonstrate with the use of stills:


Doctor Doom: I HAVE YOU NOW REED RICHARDS! You and your friends will die a slow, agonizing death. AND THEN I WILL RULE THE WORLD! HA! HA! HA! HA!


Reed Richards: That's what you think Doom! Right, Sue? Sue? Sue? Where are you?


Sue Storm: (in stilted monotone voice, as if she's reading off cue cards) That's right, Reed! Once I get my clothes on we're going to kick some serious ass! You're doomed Doom! Ha! Ha!


Rowdy Male Audience: YEAH! WOOOOO! JESSICA ALBA IS HOT! This is a GREAT MOVIE! Can't wait to buy the DVD, bro!

In a vain attempt to appease the female audience there's usually at least one scene in which the hot, undersized heroine beats the living crap out of a hulking behemoth of man; as a way of showing that the film is all for empowered women....HOT EMPOWERED WOMEN!

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