A Garfield Christmas ( 1987)

Why a Remake of Jaws is Inevitable and How Hollywood Will Screw it Up!

Jaws is arguably the greatest summer blockbuster movie ever made, it's a well made action thriller with a memorable screen villain and, more importantly, characters that the audience genuinely cares about.  There's excellent an review of Jaws on the website Jabootu, which does the film more justice than I could ever hope to do. Check it out! It's fairly long, but a good read nonetheless.

Why It Will Be Remade?
Jaws has spawned three sequels and countless rip offs that it’s only a matter of time that light bulb goes off in some studio exec’s head and says, “Why not remake Jaws? We can make it so much better with today’s technology!” The last decade of cinema has been littered with remakes and reboots of popular movies that updating Jaws isn’t nearly as farfetched as it seems: Gus Van Sant took a stab at Psycho and failed, Peter Jackson gave King Kong the Tolkien treatment, and Tim Burton has “re-imagined” three popular stories:  Planet of the Apes, Alice in Wonderland, and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. What’s to stop Hollywood from remaking Jaws?

How Hollywood Will Screw It Up!

-          Over reliance on CGI.

-          Amp up the body count.

-          Gratuitous nudity and explicit gore.

-          Making the cast younger and sexier!

The lead actor in Jaws is Roy Scheider, who not only is average looking, but middle aged as well. His character Chief Brody is a happily married to the loving Ellen Brody and the father of two boys. In short, he is completely lacking in sex appeal, something that would not fly in today’s world.  The whole happily married story line would be a turn off to the intended teenage audience, therefore the most logical step would be to make Chief Brody a young, sexy, and single man that is getting over a bad break up.  If Brody is a single man coping with a break up, then you have to provide him with a love interest that breaks though his icy exterior and helps him rediscover a purpose in life…..enter the sexy, but strong marine biologist Mary Hooper. In the original Jaws, the marine biologist was Matt Hooper played By Richard Dreyfuss, who like Roy Scheider is..gasp…AVERAGE LOOKING! Unacceptable! Switching Matt Hooper’s sex from male to female would not only provide Brody with a love interest, but being a marine biologist would justify her running around in a bikini for most of the film’s running time. Do the math:

“Sexy woman + ocean = Sexy woman in a revealing bikini.” 

Captain Quint would basically be the same, except he would be ruggedly handsome and have less of back story.  Who would be cast as the three leads?

Chief Brody – Channing Tatum.
He’s recently become big amongst the ladies and his expressionless face would be perfect for the lead role in action-horror film.

Mary Hooper- Jessica Biel.
She’s cornered the market on the strong and sexy woman, so why not? Plus she looks great in a bikini.

Captain Quint- Matthew McConaughey.
He was pretty convincing as a crazy sheriff in Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation... so why not a half crazed sea captain? 

If I’m not mistaken, the original Jaws has a total death count of FIVE! Five?! That’s not scary! Not only that, but most of the violence is implied rather than seen. The audience doesn't get a glimpse of the shark until an hour into the movie…again UNACCEPTABLE!  This was largely due to failures in the mechanical shark; forcing Spielberg to come up with different methods to show the shark was there (e.g., POV shots in the water, John William’s score, the yellow barrels at the film’s end.)
Today’s filmmakers don’t have to worry about such draw backs, thanks to CGI. Instead of waiting an hour to unveil the title villain, the filmmaker could show the Great White Shark right off the bat, thus doing away with any unwanted build up or suspense.  In the opening scene of the original Jaws the shark devours an attractive blonde woman that’s skinny dipping at night....BORING.....just imagine how scarier it would be if the shark devoured not one, but a whole a group of attractive skinny dipping blondes! Such a display of gratuitous nudity and explicit gore would have the audience at the edge of their seats! Whereas the deaths in the original Jaws served a function to the overall story, in the remake the bodies will pile up without anyone so much as batting an eye. There will be no scene of a grieving mother slapping the face of Chief Brody nor of the visibly shaken mayor sickened by the thought that he put his son in danger, instead there will be scenes of random, scantily clad tourists meeting gory ends followed by scenes of Chief Brody romancing the strong willed Mary Hooper.  The film would not only be a remake Jaws, but a remake of the Jaws rip off Spring Break Shark Attack as well.  It will be the ultimate cinematic desecration!