Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) With Special Guest Reviewer: Metalman

(Note: The opinions in this review are solely those of Metalman and don’t necessarily reflect those of this blog. Parental Discretion is advised. To fully appreciate the review read it in a monotone voice.)

When Brain asked me to do a review for his blog, I was fairly hesitant for two reasons:

1) My movie knowledge is fairly limited. I rarely go to the movies and only own a handful of them. I'm just a simple janitor at a grocery store, or I was a simple janitor until those f**king idiot managers promoted me to supervisor. I don't know why they did that! I sure as hell didn't ask for it. Now I'm in charge of the third shift crew and I hate them all. How I miss scrubbing and waxing the floors. It was my passion, nay my purpose in life. Every once in a while when the managers aren't around, I will take the scrubber for a little spin around the store. It's the only time I'm truly at peace. 

2)  I’m not familiar with the internet or, for that matter, computers.  The last time I went on a computer was when I played the Oregon Trail in the fifth grade. I mean, it’s been ages.  In fact, one time at work the subject of computer games came up and I asked my extremely hot 20 year-old co-worker if she ever played the Oregon Trail and she just gave me a blank stare.  It was an awkward moment. I tried to explain it to her, but she just didn't get it. What a dumb bitch! I mean, c'mon. If she wasn't hot, I wouldn't give her the time of day. Well, maybe I would. 

This didn't faze Brain in the least. He told me to write my review in long hand and he would type it up for me. He kept insisting that I share my “unique” film views with the rest of the internet. I agreed, but I made him promise not to alter a single word of my review. I didn't want him to litter it with big college words that no one understands or correct any grammar errors. He may be doing the typing, but it’s my review and I want to recognize it as such.  He agreed and we shook on it. (Editor's note: This review is only half it's original length as Metalman's handwriting was pretty incomprehensible at times.) Oh, in case you were wondering, the reason I'm called Metalman is due to my love for metal music, specifically hair metal music. I love it. It's the f**king best! I remember one time my girlfriend...er I mean landlady and I went to a Quiet Riot concert in Chicago and I got so wasted. It was so METAL!  

It was fairly easy for me to decide which movie I was going to review and that was Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Why?  Because it’s only the greatest f**king movie of all time!!!! That, and it’s one of the few titles that I actually own on VHS. No one is ever going to convince me that DVD is better. I mean, what’s not to like about Fast Times? I remember starting my first day of high school and hoping it would be everything that Fast Times was, only to be disappointed by year’s end.  I remember I set my sights on hot blonde in my class. I figured that if Mark Ratner could hook up with Stacy Hamilton, then certainly I could score with someone that was better looking. I, mean, just look at Mark Ratner for a second. 

NEEERRRRRRRDDD!!!!  And yet, he was able to hook up with an absolute hottie like Stacy. It boggles the mind. I mean, just look at her for a minute.

 Now, go back and look at the picture of Mark. See, what I'm saying? A nerd like that has no business talking to girl like that let a lone dating her. Anyways, I figured that since I was,and still am, a better looking guy than Mark  it would be a matter of days, if not hours, before I was banging this hot blonde.  So I walked up to her and was like, "Hey, bitch! Wanna have sex?" You know what she did? She kicked me in the nuts. WHAT THE HELL?! I made several other attempts at trying to get her in the sack, but she just gave me the cold shoulder.  I even formed a rock band called Unskinny Bop as a way of getting her attention . We were a Motley Crew cover band and all I can say is that we really blew people away.....all night and day. Ha Ha! Get it?  (Editor’s note:  If you didn't know already, “Unskinny Bop” is a Poison song. I kept trying to tell Metalman this, but he wouldn't listen and kept insisting that, “I know my Motley Crüe.”Apparently not, Metalman.)  We seemed to be destined for great things, we played Port Washington’s Fish Day, but that all changed when our f**king bassist left the band to go college. MORON!!!!  Where was I again? Oh yes, the review!  

Fast Times at Ridgemont High is what I wish my time at high school would have been like.  Now, I really don’t have the time nor the patience to write an entire review, so instead I will just list my favorite moments in the movie.  I may not be a movie critic, but I do know what I like.

1)  I especially like….no, love, when the ultra babe Linda Barrett takes off her red bikini top. If you have seen the movie, then you know what I'm talking about. I mean, look at her damn it. JUST LOOK.......

I can’t say I blame Brad one bit for fapping off to her. WOOOOOOW! I would have done the exact same thing. In fact, I did do the exact same thing. One time my mom actually walked in on me and  I shouted, just like Brad in the movie, "Doesn't anyone f**king knock any more?"  I actually wore out my first VHS copy of this  movie by watching this scene over and over again.  It's one of the all time great movie moments. Thank you, Phoebe Cates.  However, that David Bowie song on the soundtrack is kind of lame. 

(Editor's note: The song is "Moving In Stereo" by The Cars and it rules.) 

2) I always laugh when Spicoli orders a pizza while still in the classroom. Spicoli is my hero, I strive to be exactly like him. I mean, he's so cool. I remember I tried to copy Spicoli once by sneaking a piece of pizza from the school cafeteria into my classroom, but by the the time I got there it was all cold. Totally not worth the effort. I thought about ordering a pizza, but I didn't have a cell phone on me. LAME!!!!

3) I always cheer when Brad mouths off to the rude customer. I always lose it when he screams, "Mister, if you don't shut up I'm gonna kick one hundred percent of your ass." I wish I had such courage. Sure, it may cost Brad his job at the fast food joint but at least he went down swinging. Plus, that customer was a total ass bag.

4. (Editor's note: I could not make out what number four was. The writing  was completely illegible  Though, it did end with the sentence, "I really need a cigarette right now." Metalman can't go thirty minutes without a cigarette so it doesn't surprise me that he would write this down. As for what I could read, well, I'm quite certain that he was talking about Weird Science. This is was the most coherent part of the entire paragraph, ".....two nerds use computer..........babe."  

5. Is there a greater ending to movie than Brad taking out the mugger by throwing a hot pot of coffee in his face? I don't think so. I've seen this movie over 100 times and I always applaud this ending. It's f**king AMAZING! Even better is that Spicoli is there to witness Brad's heroism and shouts,"Awesome. Totally awesome."  I have known many people that didn't like this movie (IDIOTS) but found this ending absolutely hilarious. Need I say more. I think not.

(Editor's note: I agree with Metalman whole heartedly on this point. The ending to Fast Times at Ridgemont is, as Spicoli would put it, "Totally awesome." Special Thanks to Metalman for offering his unique perspective on an 80s classic.) 

Credits
Cast: Sean Penn (Jeff Spicoli), Jennifer Jason Leigh (Stacy Hamilton), Judge Reinhold (Brad Hamilton), Robert Romanus (Mark Domane), Brian Backer (Mark "Rat" Ratner), Phoebe Cates (Linda Barrett), Ray Walston (Mr. Hand), Scott Thomson (Arnold), Vincent Schiavelli (Mr. Vargas), Amanda Wyss (Lisa), D.W. Brown (Ron Johnson), Forrest Whitaker (Charles Jefferson), Eric Stolz (Stoner Bud), Anthony Edwards (Stoner Bud), Nicolas Cage (Brad's Bud), Stanley Davis, Jr. (Jefferson's Brother).

Director: Amy Heckerling
Screenplay: Cameron Crowe.
Running Time: 92 min.