Conan the Destroyer (1984)

I rather have a soft spot for Conan the Destroyer, which is, admittedly, due to my first seeing it on television as a kid; it’s a movie that my cousins and I watched on a repeated basis every time we hung out. It’s appealed laid in the fact that it was, essentially, a live action He-Man and The Masters of the Universe; with Conan filling in the role He-Man (sans the secret identity) and Queen Taramis (Sarah Douglas) as an Evil-Lyn surrogate. 

There are also loads of wizardry on display, battles, a giant monster, and, most memorable of all, a fight with a Man Ape (which resembles a Masters of the Universe reject). The writers even find to time to throw a virginal princess into the proceedings.  The difference between the two programs is that, as an adult, I find The Masters of the Universe absolutely unwatchable, while I am still greatly amused by Conan the Destroyer. I would never be as bold to proclaim it as being a good movie, that was greatly “misunderstood” by the critics, but it does make for an entertaining piece of 80s nostalgia; provided that you are in the right mind set. 

Conan the Destroyer was an attempt by Universal Studios to turn the Conan franchise into more “family friendly” fare by toning down the violence and amplifying the comedy relief. As a result, it is tonally inconsistent at times; it goes from goofy comedy to bloody violence, often in the same scene. The only thing that really makes it more palpable to children is the lack of sex. Though, there is a subplot devoted to Princess Jehnna's "sexual awakening." She has been sheltered her entire life and Conan is the first "real" man she has ever encountered, hence she is naturally attracted to him. There is even a scene in which the bumbling sidekick, Malak, attempts to talk to her about the birds and bees, but to no avail.

 The violence in the first film, Conan the Barbarian, had been a great concern for some critics, and the studio felt that its R rating kept it from being a bigger hit. I always found this criticism odd as Conan the Barbarian is a story that demands violence; after all, it’s not called Conan the Peace Maker. What most critics also ignore is that Conan does suffer the consequences of his actions; the most obvious being the death of his first, and only, love, Valeria. At the beginning of Conan the Destroyer, he is still mourning the loss of Valeria.  Conan is so lost in his grief that Queen Taramis is able to use this to her advantage; she promises to reunite him with Valeria if he agrees to partake in a quest that her niece, Princess Jehnna, is “destined” to make. It is prophesied that, on her quest, Jehnna will find a key that will awaken the Dreaming God, Dagoth.  Conan is so singled minded in his desire to be reunited with Valeria that it never occurs to him that Queen Taramis is lying. It also never crosses his mind that awakening a God might have dangerous consequences; when Akiro tries to warn him, Conan tells him to shut up. It’s only at the film’s climax, after having been betrayed by Bombaata, that Conan is able to get overcome his grief and just narrowly save the world.

If there is a fatal flaw to Conan the Destroyer is that it lacks a dynamic villain; Wilt Chamberlain, as the Captain of the Guards Bombaata, is a towering presence, but he is just a glorified henchman.  Taramis assigns him the important task of protecting Princess Jehnna’s virginity; this maybe one of the most ironic pieces of casting in movie history given Chamberlain’s claim that he slept with over 20,000 women. Whether this was intentional on the part of the filmmakers has yet to be seen.

Sarah Douglas is striking, and sexy, as Queen Taramis, with her statuesque figure and ice cold demeanor, but she is criminally under used; most of her screen time occurs in the first twenty minutes of the movie. She reappears at the climax, where she, rather abruptly, meets her comeuppance at the hands, or should I say horn, of Dagoth. It is a rather ridiculous end to a potentially great villain. We are misled into believing that Taramis is a worthy foe due to her hypnotic capabilities, but all that gets tossed out at the end.

Interestingly enough, it is also implied that she is also a warrior queen; at the beginning of the film she is suited up in armor and rides out with her men when they attempt to capture Conan. If there was ever a woman that could tempt Conan, it would be Queen Taramis as she is cut from the same cloth as Valeria. They are both extremely strong willed women and tall in stature; there is actually a moment where Taramis seems taller than Conan.  A better screenplay would have tossed out the whole Dagoth nonsense and focused primarily on Queen Taramis.  Sarah Douglas certainly has the acting chops to pull it off; she memorably played the evil Kryptonian, Ursa, in Superman II.

There is also a secondary villain in the form of Toth-Amon, a wizard who has in his possession a diamond Jehnna needs complete her quest.  He is merely a bump in the road and doesn't really have much purpose to the overall narrative. Though, his character is responsible for most memorable moment in the movie, Conan fighting an Man Ape monster in a room of mirrors. I admit the reveal of the monster scared me when I was a kid; it emerges from a mirror with its face obscured by a red hood. The audience is lead to believe this is the wizard Toth-Amon (who has a long, scraggly beard and one good eye), but then it pulls back the hood to reveal this ugly face:

AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Well, that was my reaction when I was seven years-old.
My favorite bit is when the Man Ape grabs Conan by the ankles and swings him around in a circle. The look of bewilderment on Conan’s face never ceases to crack me up.  However, Conan’s discovery of Man Ape’s Achille’s Heel is fairly comical; he swings his sword backwards and accidentally smashes a mirror which, in turn, inflicts a huge injury on the monster’s body.

There are two heroines in Conan the Destroyer, Zula (Grace Jones ) and Princess Jehnna (Olivia d’Abo). It often feels like the writers took the character of Valeria and divided her into two different characters; Zula is a warrior, while Jehnna is the love interest, though it is more of a case of unrequited love. Jehnna develops a case of puppy dog love for Conan, but he never reciprocates her feelings.  This is done for two reasons:

1)      Valeria is the love of Conan’s life and no other woman could ever replace her.  When Jehnna asks if there could ever be another, Conan promptly replies, “Not on your life!”

2)      Olivia d’Abo was fifteen years-old while making this movie, hence it would feel downright sleazy to have Conan marry her in the end. They share a brief kiss at the end, but Conan is fairly indifferent to it.


However, it's also an example of how being politically correct can neuter a movie. Throughout the course of the movie so much is made of Jehnna's virginity; Queen Taramis sends Bombaata along on the quest to insure that Jehnna comes back as virgin, otherwise she won't make for a suitable sacrifice to Dagoth. The queen genuinely fears that Conan might have his way with Jehnna and when the princess develops a crush on him, it seems that her fears maybe well founded. It feels like the filmmakers are setting up a conflict for later in the movie; Will Conan give into his innermost temptations?  Jehnna constantly expresses her desire to be with Conan, however, this all proves to be a red herring.  Conan finds Jehnna to be rather petulant and is never tempted by her in the slightest. Jehnna, despite being smitten with Conan, never puts forth a real effort into seducing him. 

It doesn't help that Jehnna is completely devoid of a personality; she is solely defined by her relationship, or lack thereof, to Conan. Olivia d’Abo was awarded the Razzie for Worst New Star of 1984 (for her appearances in this film and the Bo Derek softcore porn, Bolero), but I find this to be a tad bit harsh. I think d’Abo does a fine job, given the circumstances; this was her first major role and she was given the assignment of bringing a completely underwritten character to life.  Hell, even a well respected actress would struggle with this character; just look at how bland Natalie Portman was in the Star Wars prequels. The fact that Jehnna isn't a totally unlikable character is a credit to d’Abo. 

Zula is another wasted opportunity.  Grace Jones with her androgynous features has a genuine screen presence, but too often her character fades into the background, while Conan and Bombaata are kicking some serious butt. Her main function is to be a sort of mentor to Jehnna; in the film’s funniest moment, Jehnna asks Zula how to get a man and Zula replies, “Grab him! And take him!”  Zula is a character who is driven by pure impulse and doesn’t have time for romantic nonsense. In another scene, Jehnna, hoping to impress Conan, asks Zula to teach her how to fight, but this gets interrupted by a drunken Conan, who rather, ineffectively, teaches Jehnna how to wield a sword. It’s a nice, humorous moment that successfully makes Conan more “human,” instead of the indestructible superman that often dominates the genre.  It must be said that Schwarzenegger, for all his limitations as an actor, is fairly adept at playing comedy.

 

The main problem with both of these female leads is that they fail to measure up to the character of Valeria from the previous film. Granted, this might have been intentional on the part of the writers, but because Zula and Jehnna are essentially the two sides of Valeria, they seem rather diluted at times;  Zula is a strong warrior, but she lacks Valeria’s warmth.  Jehnna is in love with Conan, but she is a rather weak willed character.  In Conan the Barbarian, Valeria was played by Sandahl Bergman, who with her piercing eyes and physical prowess made for a believable movie heroine.   For instance, compare Bergman’s fight scenes in Conan the Barbarian to Keira Knightley’s in the awful Pirates of the Caribbean sequels; despite all the fancy fight choreography, it is hard to believe that Knightly could ever hold her own in a sword fight, largely due to her twig-like figure.  On the other hand, it’s easy to believe that Bergman could stand her ground in a fight, because she has the physique of an athlete; she was a dancer in real life. In Conan the Barbarian, Valeria was Conan’s equal and even went so far as to fight the Gods for his life, on the other hand, in Conan the Destroyer, both Jehnna and Zula seem to be in constant awe of the man.  However, I will give the film this; there at least isn't a scene in which Jehnna inexplicably becomes an expert sword fighter, because the script demands it.  That’s what always irked me about the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels is how Elizabeth (Keira Knightley) goes from being the pampered daughter of a governor to a sword wielding badass without any transition. She just randomly picks up a sword and can hold her own against an expert.   

The two other members of Conan’s ragtag band of adventures are Malak (Tracey Walter) and Akiro (Mako). Malak is Conan’s bumbling sidekick who often complains about the lack of respect he is given.  In the first movie, Conan’s sidekick was Subotai, and while he was a source of humor, he was also a fairly competent warrior; the same cannot be said of Malak.  He is, in many ways, the audience surrogate in that he is often asking questions and expressing doubts about certain things, unfortunately, he is also pretty damn annoying at times. You often wish he would just shut his trap and let Conan go about his business. Though, there is a rather amusing scene, late in the film, where he keeps gabbing on about his "brother's sister's cousin."

Akiro serves multi-functions in the film; he is the minor comedy relief, a wizard, and, more importantly, the narrator of the story. Other than Conan, he is the only returning character from the first film. Mako's offbeat performance, in both films, is a lot of fun. It may not be the most complex characterization, but he manages to inject a lot of energy and humor into what could have been a rather thankless role.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is perfectly cast as Conan. It is a role that plays to his strengths as an actor; it highlights his muscular physique and gives him very little dialogue. I always felt that Schwarzenegger would have made a great silent actor, because not only does he have a magnificent physique, but a fairly expressive face as well. In Conan the Barbarian, the character becomes confident to the point arrogance, but that all changes when he loses Valeria. In Conan the Destroyer, he is a lost soul. At the beginning of the movie, he is wasting his potential on petty acts of thievery. At the movie's end, he is all alone; all of his companions stay behind to aide Jehnna in ruling her kingdom. He is not the cocksure protagonist of the first film, but rather an endless drifter. Conan keeps a stone face for most of the film, but his sad eyes tell the true story. Though, he is  not entirely dour, he does possess a sense of humor. I especially like this exchange between him and Jehnna:

Jehnna: I suppose nothing hurts you.
Conan: Only pain.

Conan is also far more cautious in the sequel; rather than blindly charging in and taking on Toth-Amon single handedly, Conan takes a short a detour to pick up Akiro, because he knows he'll need "magic to fight magic." In the first film, he tries to take on cult leader, Thulsa Doom, all by himself and is nearly killed for his efforts. He is stark contrast to Sylvester Stallone's John Rambo, who single handedly defeats the Vietnamese Army (and Russians) in Rambo: First Blood, Part II.  Though, it is a lot of fun to see Conan beat up on opponents twice his size.

The producers couldn't get John Milius to direct the sequel, so they turned to veteran director, Richard Fleischer. Fleischer had a rather long and interesting career in Hollywood;  he was at the helm of some genuinely good movies (20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, The Narrow Margin, Armored Car Robbery) and a few legendary turkeys (Che!, The Jazz Singer, Red Sonja). The best word to describe his direction is anonymous; he was a journeyman director who didn't have a distinct style, so he made a career aping other directors. In Conan the Destroyer, he seems content in doing his best John Milius impersonation, sans Milius' unapologetic approach to the material. Whether one likes or despises Milius, he was at least passionate about his film projects. Conan the Destroyer, on the other hand, was just another job for Richard Fleischer, and it often shows. Fleischer does have a knack for staging action scenes; the fight scenes in Conan the Destroyer are always comprehensible and exciting to watch. It's the non-action scenes that prove to be problematic.

The biggest asset to Conan the Destroyer is Jack Cardiff's beautiful cinematography, which gives the movie a lavish look; making it look far bigger than it actually is. The opening shot (of horses riding through the desert) is something you would expect to find in an epic like Lawrence of Arabia, not in a silly sword and sorcery film. It is almost enough to make you overlook the flaws in the script. 

Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger (Conan), Olivia d’Abo (Princess Jehnna), Wilt Chamberlain (Bombaata), Grace Jones (Zula), Sarah Douglas (Queen Taramis), Tracey Walter (Malak), Mako (Akiro), Pat Roach (Man Ape/Toth-Amon), Jeff Corey (Grand Vizier), Ferdy Mayne (Leader), Sven-Ole Thorsen (Togra).

Director: Richard Fleischer
Screenplay: Stanley Mann.  Story by Roy Thomas and Gerry Conway.
Running Time: 101 min.