A Christmas Story (1983)

It has been a tradition in my family to kick off the Holiday season by watching A Christmas Story after finishing Thanksgiving dinner. It’s a movie I have seen countless times since my childhood and it still cracks me up, despite the overexposure. The majority of Christmas movies have a fantasy element to them – It’s a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Carol, White Christmas, and Miracle on 34^th Street, to name a few – but A Christmas Story is the most relatable out of the bunch, because it has a fairly simple premise: a boy desperately wants a Red Ryder BB gun for Christmas. The only fantasy elements we get in A Christmas Story are Ralphie's day dreams.

A Christmas Story is one of the most accurate depictions of childhood ever put onto film. The children in Christmas movies tend to be wide eyed innocents that don’t possess a single selfish bone in their body; this is not the case with Ralphie Parker in A Christmas Story, who behaves like complete shithead at times. After Flick has stuck his tongue to a frozen pole, Ralphie leaves him to freeze in the cold. He doesn’t even bother to inform their teacher, Miss Shields, about Flick’s plight. Later, when Ralphie’s mother wants to know who he heard the f--- word from, instead of ratting out his father, he opts to throw his friend Schwartz under the bus. Yet, despite these acts of cowardice, Ralphie remains a completely sympathetic character – he’s just an awkward kid trying to survive childhood.

 A Christmas Story is a funny movie, but the movie is largely about Ralphie learning to cope with disappointment: He is constantly told, “You’ll shoot your eye out,” by the adults in his life when he reveals he wants a BB gun from Christmas; the Little Orphan Annie decoder ring he gets in the mail turns out to be an advertisement for Ovaltine; he gets a C+ on his Christmas theme, after imagining that it would get him a standing ovation from the class; his crazy aunt makes him a pink bunny costume for Christmas;  the Santa Claus at the department store turns out to be a complete maniac; and he nearly shoots his eye out with the Red Ryder BB gun. Ralphie’s most redeemable quality is his ability to shake off the disappointment and get on with his life. It’s fitting that the movie ends with him sleeping in bed with a smile on his face. 

The Parkers are a fairly interesting family because they are neither a perfect nor dysfunctional family unit that you often see on television. They are a fairly normal family, but like most normal families they have their quirks: the youngest son, Randy, refuses to eat; The Old Man is “one of the most feared furnace fighters in northern Indiana”; Ralphie constantly day dreams; and the mother holds the family together, but isn’t above getting into a petty argument with her husband.  The most famous image from A Christmas Story is the leg lamp that the Old Man wins in a contest. He is completely in awe of his “major award,” while the mother is embarrassed by it. When he suggest they put in by the front window (where all the neighbors can see it), the mother begins to freak out. The leg lamp subplot is not only hilarious, but its denouement shows just what an imaginative director Bob Clark could be; the mother leaves the frame to water the plants and then seconds later we hear an off screen crash. The Old Man emerges from the furnace, wondering what the noise was, only to discover that his precious leg lamp is in pieces. The mother claims it was an accident, but the father suspects foul play.  Was it really an accident? Did the mother do it on purpose? We are never given a clear answer, it is left ambiguous. If A Christmas Story were made today, there would, no doubt, be a shot of the mother knocking over the leg lamp and then giving the audience a wink. She would also be played by a “hot” actress, instead of the natural looking Melinda Dillon.

It is interesting to note that Darren McGavin was in his sixties and Melinda Dillon was in her forties when A Christmas Story was released, which makes them the oldest pair of parents in movie history. Yet, this works greatly in the movie’s favor – the movie is told from Ralphie’s point of view and children tend to view their parents as being old timers. When I was a kid, I thought anyone over the age of thirty was ancient. How times have changed! The great thing about the parents in A Christmas Story is that, despite their squabbles, they still enjoy each other's company – the movie ends with her sitting on his lap in the living room as they watch the snowfall.

This leads me to my final point: What happened to Bob Clark after A Christmas Story? It’s like there are two Bob Clarks; pre-Christmas Story and post-Christmas Story. The pre-Christmas Story Clark made a series of flawed, but interesting movies: Black Christmas is an unsettling precursor to Halloween; Murder by Decree is an eerie Sherlock Holmes thriller; and Porky’s is a better than average sex comedy. His filmography after A Christmas Story is absolutely horrendous; the nadir probably being Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2.  His early movies showed a director with great promise, while his later projects make you wonder, “How does this guy keep getting work?” It is an absolute shame. Well, at least he will always have A Christmas Story.

Cast: Melinda Dillon (Mother Parker), Darren McGavin (The Old Man Parker), Peter Billingsley (Ralphie), Ian Petrella (Randy), Scott Schwartz (Flick), Tedde Moore (Miss Shields), R.D. Robb (Schwartz), Zack Ward (Scut Farkus), Yano Anaya (Grover Dill), Jean Shepherd (Ralphie as an adult – voice), Jeff Gillen (Santa Claus).

Director: Bob Clark
Screenplay: Jean Shepherd, Leigh Brown, Bob Clark
Running Time: 95 min.

The 10 Most (Unintentionally) Hilarious “Documentaries” Ever Made.

1) Overlords of the UFO (1976)

Dir: G. Brook Stanford
One of the most insane pieces of film making ever committed to celluloid. It’s really hard to describe Overlords of the UFO, because it rarely makes any sense.  There is a five minute section devoted to show casing Uri Geller’s amazing “psychic” abilities; he bends a couple of keys and restarts a couple of watches. How does this relate to the subject of UFOS?  Well, apparently Geller witnessed a UFO a few years earlier. There are very little facts on display, but endless speculation which we are assured is “some of the best.”

 Here are just some of the highlights:

1) A simulated conversation between to airline pilots as they discuss UFOs. This is achieved through stock footage of an airplane and voice overs.

2) Footage of an obviously fake UFO trailing after a commercial airliner.

3) The Uri Geller sequence.

4) A letter from NASA that reads, "It is not in our charter to investigate the UFO."

5) The Space Voyage From Ummo sequence. Supposedly, an alien race from the planet Ummo contacted a select few people on Earth. 

2) The Incredible Discovery of Noah’s Ark (1993)

Dir: Henning Schlerrup
One of the funniest programs ever broadcasted on network television, The Incredible Discovery of Noah’s Ark is hosted by an overly enthusiastic Darren McGavin, as he, with entire array of biblical scholars and eye witnesses, prove once and for all that Noah’s Ark is real and that it lies on top of Mt. Ararat in Turkey. The viewers are treated to some awe-inspiring re-enactment of Noah and his family as they build the ark, and by “awe-inspiring” I mean laugh inducing, as I have seen high school plays with better production values than this program.  It is all incredibly cheap looking with horrible make up and extremely stiff performances.

 This “documentary” made headlines when it was revealed that one of its main witnesses, Charles Jammal, was a hoaxer. In his eye witness testimony, Jammal recounts he discovered the Ark with a friend and the plans they had in store once they got back to civilization, but all that was dashed when his best friend plummeted to his death, while trying to get a better picture of the Ark.  He carelessly took one too many steps backwards and fell to his death. Distraught, Jammal couldn’t go through with the plans, but he did take a piece of the Ark as a souvenir.  It was later revealed that this souvenir was, in fact, a piece of wood soaked in teriyaki sauce and baked in an oven to give it an ancient look. As history, The Incredible Discovery of Noah’s Ark is pure rubbish, as a comedy, it’s one of the best.

3) Bigfoot: Man or Beast? (1975)

Dir: Lawrence Crowley
I haven’t actually seen this documentary in many years, but there are also two things that always stuck out to me:
1) The annoying harmonica soundtrack. Whenever there is a driving sequence, the filmmakers will blare this on the soundtrack hoping that it will quicken the pace; instead it is more likely to give you a splitting head ache.

2) All of the “exciting” things occur off camera. This is a recurring trend in this movie: an expedition member will talk about how they saw something in the woods, while the camera was recording something else; usually two other members as they argue about what their next move should be. 

There is also the usual gallery of eye witnesses; one lady claims that she used to play catch with Bigfoot. The viewer is constantly teased into believing something exciting is about to happen, only to have their hopes completely deflated. The movie ends with the expedition having to pack up due to a huge forest fire. Nothing is achieved!  Bigfoot: Man or Beasts? is the precursor to such modern documentaries like Monster Quest and Finding Bigfoot.  These shows are the ultimate form of ballyhoo; they promise something big, but always disappoint. Monster Quest, despite its hype and flashy CGI recreations, always ends on an anti-climactic note; a Cryptozoologist will turn to camera and say, “Just because we didn't find evidence of Bigfoot, it doesn't mean he’s not real.”

4) Star Wars: The Magic and the Mystery (1997)

Dir: Thomas C. Grane
This special aired on FOX in 1997 to promote the upcoming re-release of Stars Wars. It was also the first sign that George Lucas had completely lost his mind; this is when he unleashed the special editions onto the unsuspecting world. It's a nice piece of propaganda that assures  Stars Wars faithful that they will absolutely LOVE the new additions Lucas has made. Everyone kisses George Lucas's ass!!!  The only time anything negative is uttered is to express just how lame the original Star Wars was. 

However, none of that can compare to the hilariously stiff narration provided by Howie Long. In the opening, Long tells the viewer how excited he is that Star Wars is back in the theatres. Sure you are, Howie! Long strikes me as the kind of guy that habitually beat up on Star Wars fans back in the heyday (He was in high school when the first one came out). I can just picture a young Howie Long giving a swirly to an awkward teenager wearing a Luke Skywalker T-shirt. You’re not fooling any one, Howie!   Still, the sight of him struggling to read cue cards is truly a sight to behold.  “Twenty years ago….Star Wars swept..the..country….”

5) The Legend of Boggy Creek (1972)

Dir: Charles B. Pierce
It might not be fair to include The Legend of Boggy Creek on this list because, unlike Bigfoot: Man or Beast?, it never really sets out to prove the existence of the Fouke monster (The Skunk Ape), but rather recount the numerous sighting of the creature throughout the decades.  There is no pointless expedition to find the beast, just lots of cheesy re-enactments for our viewing pleasure.  However, since it is told in a documentary like fashion (interviews, re-enactments), it is definitely deserving of our derision, especially once it was revealed that the interviewees in the film are really actors playing local townsfolk. Oddly enough, there are some genuinely effective moments in the film; like the Fouke Monster laying siege to two teenage girls in a trailer house.  On the other hand, it also has one of the funniest moments in horror history; the Fouke Monster trying to get at a guy, decked in long johns, on the toilet.  The camera lingers on the outside of the house for a few seconds; the man's head is framed though a window as he does his business.  Suddenly, a hairy hand pops into frame and knocks the window out of its frame, thus scaring the poor guy completely shitless, and I mean that in a literal sense. The hillbilly pulls up his long johns and tumbles out of the bathroom.

6) Mysteries of the Ancient World (1994)

Dir: Doug Campbell

The kind of documentary that asks a lot of questions, but doesn't offer up a single answer, Mysteries of the Ancient World tackles four distinct subjects:  The Pyramids of Giza, Nostradamus, The Bermuda Triangle, and the Shroud of Turin, and completely poo poos the scientific community.  For instance, Mysteries of the Ancient World, advocates the idea that it was ancient aliens (in this case, martians) that built the pyramids, while casually dismissing the claims of Egyptologists, you know, people that actually spent their entire careers studying Ancient Egypt.  The ancient alien proponents are given significantly more screen time than traditional scholars and presented in much more favorable light; the interview with the sole Egyptologist is edited in a such way that she comes off as completely stubborn and closed minded.  Whenever, we see her dismiss other possible theories, we naturally want to see her get knocked off her high horse. The documentary gives the appearance of being balanced in its opinions, yet the Egyptologist is never given any real opportunity to present her case. Darren McGavin (why?) once again is given hosting duties and does them in a remarkably efficient and straight faced manner.  

7-10) Ancient Prophecies I-IV (1994 -1996) 

Dir: Graeme Whifler
 A dour David McCallum warns us that, “time may be running out,” and various people from all walks of life share their visions about the upcoming apocalypse.  From 1994 to 1997, NBC aired four Ancient Prophecies specials to cash in on the “Y2K” trend.  Most of the “prophets” that are interviewed all point to the year 2000 as being a pivotal moment in human history. The predictions range from the vague (“Earthquakes will hit the west coast.”) to the ridiculously absurd (“Atlantis will rise up out of the ocean.”) It wouldn’t be an ancient prophecies documentary without a reference to the most famous prophet of them all, Nostradamus. Naturally, the “experts” on his writings all offer up their interpretations as to what he has to say about the future and, not too surprisingly, they are in a complete disagreement. It’s amazing how Nostradamus predictions only make sense after the fact, but that is a different article altogether.   What I find amazing about this documentary is this: not a single one of these psychics that were interviewed predicted 9/11 and the war on terror. These psychics pride themselves on their ability to forecast the future, yet none of these interviewees were able to predict one of the greatest disasters in United States history.  Amazing!