Longshot (2001)

Longshot is one of the most inexplicable movies ever made. It’s the kind of the movie that is so awful that, if you are religious, it might actually make you question the existence of a creator; how could a benevolent being allow for such a movie to be made?  Who exactly was the movie made for? It’s simultaneously a crime thriller and a teen comedy. It features endless cameos by (then) hot teenage acts like N’SYNC, O Town, and Britney Spears. Yet, despite all the big names involved, the movie was never given a theatrical release and went straight to DVD. 

I would have never known of its existence had not my then roommate, Peter, found it in the five dollar bin at Wal-Mart and purchased it. We had a fondness for bad movies and spent many wasted hours watching them, pondering how in the hell they were ever made.  Longshot is one of those movies that nearly defeated us, even consuming large amounts of alcohol wasn’t enough to numb the pain; it worked for Spice World, but Longshot prove to be a different beast.  With each passing minute, Peter and I began to doubt our sanity. Was this movie real? Was this a nightmare?  Would we ever wake up from it? Sadly, Longshot is no nightmare and it does, indeed, exist. Right now, it is lying dormant, underneath the couch of some drunken college student, just waiting for some sucker to slip it into a DVD player, where it can unleash all of its horror onto the unsuspecting world.   

Longshot has a fairly offbeat (and obnoxious) framing device:  It opens and ends with the boy band, O Town, watching the movie in the comfy confines of their living room. At first they are skeptical of its quality - one of the members ordered a copy of Longshot off of television. However,  by the movie’s end they are completely won over by its inspiring message of “believing in yourself” and cheer when our teenage protagonist, Alex, wins a contest by sinking a half time half court shot at a basketball  game; the money prize is conveniently the same amount the heroine, Rachel, needs to save her company from going under.  The members of O Town not only are awful actors, but they have a habit of talking over each other’s lines that makes the dialogue incomprehensible; who knows maybe the “director”, Lionel C. Martin, was trying to pay homage to Howard Hawks and his use of overlapping dialogue.  Either way, it is one of the most painful five minutes ever put on celluloid.  Sadly, the god awful opening maybe the most memorable thing about Longshot; it’s the only part of the movie I vaguely remembered after having watched it the first time around. 

Louis Pearlman is credited with co-writing the screenplay with star, Tony DeCamillis; Pearlman was the svengali behind many of the teeny bopper acts that appear in the movie.  This begs the question – What was the writing process of Longshot? Did DeCamillis originally write the screenplay, in hopes it would be a star making vehicle, only for Pearlman to get his hands on and use it for his own ends? Did Pearlman commission DeCamillis to write the screenplay? Did they collaborate on it together?  I tend to favor the first theory myself – the cameos by the teenage acts are so extraneous and distracting that it feels like they came in later rewrites.  Why would Pearlman use this particular script to showcase the “acting” abilities of his musical talent?  Did his clients volunteer their services or were the contractually obliged to appear in this monstrosity?  If he wanted to showcase their acting abilities, then why have them appear in cameos?  It’s one of the most misguided attempts at marketing I have ever seen - Pearlman managed to persuade all this young talent to appear in a movie that few people ever saw. It certainly didn't further their careers and in some cases (N’SYNC  and Britney Spears) the exposure wasn't necessary as they were already huge stars.  

The “plot” revolves around personal fitness trainer, and gigolo, Jack Taylor (Tony DeCamillis) who is having an affair with the wife of corrupt businessman, Lazlo Pryce (Paul Sorvino). When Lazlo learns of the affair he threatens to kill Jack, and his younger brother Alex, unless Jack travels to New York to seduce Rachel Montgomery(Hunter Tylo), a sexy widower who is on the verge of selling her company.  Jack is supposed to relay any insider information Lazlo’s way about the upcoming transaction. However, things become doubly complicated when not only do Rachel and Jack fall for each other, but also Alex and Rachel’s daughter, Kelly (Jessica Wesson).  I suspect that DeCamillis is responsible for the Rachel/Jack story line and that it was Pearlman that dreamed up the Alex/Kelly subplot. They are tonally two very different stories – the first one is a wannabe thriller, while the second is a teen comedy.  It also seems like a vain attempt by Pearlman to groom Joey Schulthorpe (Alex) into the next big teen sensation; not only is he given a “juicy” lead role, but a musical number as well – he sings (more accurately, lip syncs) a pop song, “A Reason to Love Me" to Kelly. She is, naturally, smitten with Alex and in him finds the perfect man, while he places her high on the pedestal that she deserves to be on. Yecch! Schulthorpe exceeds expectations by being both a terrible actor and a terrible singer. It is not surprising that this is his sole acting credit.

What is surprising is how Pearlman and DeCamillis were able to get well established talent like Paul Sorvino, Antonio Sabato, Jr., Hunter Tylo, Danielle Fishel, and Zachery Ty Bryan to appear in this movie. They all appear in fairly important roles, too. What was their motivation for appearing in this movie? The paycheck couldn't have been that big. Hell, they probably could have gotten more money by appearing in an infomercial. The movie was released straight to DVD, so it's not like it broadened their fan base. No teenager is going to watch Longshot and be like, "WOW! That Paul Sorvino is an amazing actor! I wonder what other movies he has starred in!"  What in the hell were they thinking?

The cameos are extremely jarring, largely because they’re played in a very tongue in cheek manner, which is completely at odds with the sincerity of the lead performers.   Plus, they don’t serve any real narrative function, they are merely a gimmick to attract the viewer’s interest.  It also amazing how long the camera will linger on the stars after they make their first appearance; Britney Spears, in a part that foreshadows her “Toxic” video, has a cameo as an airline stewardess. After exchanging a few bits of dialogue with the main character, Jack, she then goes to the  cockpit to give the crew their coffee; the pilot swivels around in his chair and is revealed to be Kenny Rogers (who tells Britney,"You are my lady.”), while the co-pilot is none other than K.C. from K.C. and the Sunshine Band (when Britney gives him a cup of coffee, nice and sweet, he remarks,“That’s the way I like it.”)  The camera then pans over to reveal N’SYNC member, Lance Bass, as the flight engineer. The most embarrassing moment, in the entire movie, is when Lance Bass spouts the line, "They've got to get in sync,” and then smiles at the camera.  This is over a minute of screen time and its sole purpose is to elicit a cheap laugh.  WOW! There’s even a longer sequence involving Justin Timberlake as a smart alecky valet. When he hears an N’SYNC song on the radio, he screams, “What is this music?” Ha Ha! Get it! Justin Timberlake is a member of N’SYNC and he thinks their music sucks! Ha Ha!  Sadly, after Paul Sorvino, Timberlake and Spears probably give the best performances in the entire movie; their line reading is naturalistic when compared to the lead actors. Bass, on the other hand, is hilariously stiff in his line delivery and looks like he is reading off cue cards. 

Tony DeCamillis is not only a hack screenwriter, but an incredibly bland leading man. His performance isn't bad enough to be laughable and it's not competent enough to elicit sympathy, instead he is a complete bore. It is evident that he was hoping this would be his big breakout film; his name is all over the credits, unfortunately (for him anyways) his performance is overwhelmed by gratuitous cameos and extremely piss poor writing. I'm still baffled as to how, and why, this movie got made. If you are fan bad of cinema, and have a high tolerance level, then Longshot is a fascinating movie. Everyone else BEWARE! 

Credits

Cast:  Tony DeCamillis (Jack Taylor), Hunter Tylo (Rachel Montgomery), Joey Schulthorpe (Alex Taylor), Paul Sorvino (Lazlo Pryce), Antonio Sabato, Jr. (Tommy Sutton), Jessica Wesson (Kelly Montgomery), Zachery Ty Bryan (Deke), Danielle Fishel (Gloria), Ellen Albertini Dow (Mrs. Fleisher), Britney Spears (Flight Attendant), Louis Pearlman (Captain Lewis), Justin Timberlake (Valet), Joey Fatone (Pizza Chef), Kenny Rogers (Pilot), Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (Mugger), Lance Bass (Flight Engineer), Dan Miller, Trevor Penick, Erik-Michael, Estrada,Ashley Parker, Angel, Jacob Underwood (O Town), J.C. Chasez (Pizzeria Worker), Chris Kirkpatrick (Pizzeria Patron), Harry “K.C.” Wayne Casey (Co-Pilot).

Director: Lionel C. Martin
Screenplay: Tony DeCamillis, Louis J. Pearlman.
Running Time: 93 min.

Crossroads (2002)

Britney Spears! It's a name that will always get a mixed reaction. There are die hard Britney Spears fans that think she is one of the greatest performers of all time. Then there are people that think Britney Spears is the death of music itself. I believe most of her music is bad, but at the same time it's no worse than that of the many teen idols that flooded the music scene in the early 1960s and late 1980s.  Try listening to Frankie Avalon's "Venus," if you don't believe me. And who can ever forget Tiffany's painful cover of the Tommy James classic "I Think We're Alone Now?"  God knows I've tried!  Plus, every once in a blue moon Britney Spears releases a decent, if not good song. I have a fondness for "I'm a Slave 4 U," "Toxic," and "I've Just Begun (Having My Fun)." Some of my more artistic minded friends will probably brand me a traitor.... oh well, so be it! I didn't say she was great, I just don't believe she's the Anti-Christ of the Music Industry. Chill!

November 1998 - the video for "Baby One More Time" premieres on MTV, thus beginning America's long love/hate relationship with Britney Spears. The video is controversial, because the teenage Spears dons a sexy school girl outfit, while prancing about the high school hallways. Parents are appalled as to what horrible influence this might have on their impressionable daughters, but soon the outrage dies down. It is this video and the controversy that surrounds it the propels Britney Spears into super stardom. One has to wonder: If the video for "Baby One More Time" would have been less eye catching, would Britney Spears have a career. Let's say the instead of prancing about in a skimpy school girl outfit, the video consisted of her singing to a picture of her boyfriend, would it have found an audience? It was the crucial stepping stone in her rise to celebrity. It's an example of being at the right place at the right time. To Spears' credit, she's made the most of her opportunity.

Sept. 6, 2000 -  Britney Spears does a minor striptease on the 2000 MTV Video Music Awards, while desecrating the Rolling Stones classic "I Can't Get No Satisfaction." Once again parents are outraged, but the furor dies down just as soon as it started. Practically everyone is convinced that in a year, Miss Spears will be completely forgotten...doomed to wander the earth in complete obscurity. Meanwhile, Hollywood hopes to cash in on the craze by making a Britney Spears movie. It worked with The Beatles, therefore it sure as hell is going to work with Britney Spears. Of course, many other recording artists have also attempted the transition to the big screen and failed horribly: Vanilla Ice, the Spice Girls, and Mariah Carey come to mind.

Nonetheless on February 15, 2002, Crossroads was unleashed on the movie going public. In a way it seems unfair to openly criticize a film that is targeted for a specific audience: teenaged girls. It's not like director Tamra Davis and screenwriter Shonda Rimes were setting out to make a critically acclaimed work of art, no, they just wanted to make a film that would entertain Britney Spears' fan base. Can you really criticize a film with such low aims? Of course, you can. While Crossroads may have been made for teenaged girls, it has a sleazy, Ephebophiliac (my big word for this review) under current about it. The first time the audience is introduced to Britney Spears onscreen she is dancing around in her underwear, singing a long to the Madonna song "Open Your Heart." She prances about her bedroom, shaking her booty for all her adoring fans to see. Granted, compared to some of her later videos, this is pretty tame. She puts on a pair of sweat pants and continues with her singing, only to have her dad barge in on her, reminding her she has to get ready for her high school graduation.

Her dad is played by none other than DAN AYKROYD!!! What movie God did Aykroyd piss off that he's relegated to playing second fiddle to a pop star? This is the guy responsible for two of my favorite movies, The Blues Brothers and Ghostbusters, was one of the original cast members of "Saturday Day Night Live" and here he is slumming it in a Britney Spears vehicle. He is clearly a talented individual, yet somehow hasn't landed a decent gig since the early 90s. It's a depressing sight, indeed!  He deserves so much better!

In defense of the film, this scene does have an actual function; it reveals Lucy's secret ambition in life. She's been a straight A student her entire life and has done everything her dad has told her to do, but her dream is to be a singer/songwriter. The only time she can enact this dream is in the privacy of her bedroom, thus it completely takes her off guard when her dad busts in on her in an extremely vulnerable state. It also showcases her vocal "talents," so that later on in the film when she does a karaoke rendition of "I Love Rock N' Roll," the audience won't be confused at how she has inexplicably become a good singer. The debate as to whether or not Britney Spears is a talented singer still rages on to this very day.

Britney Spears does have an odd likability about her. She can't act worth a darn, her line delivery is especially stilted, but she does have a pleasant enough personality that you don't cringe when she's onscreen. She's also fairly adept at playing comedy, her appearances on "Saturday Night Live" and "How I Met Your Mother" attest to that, therefore it's a shame that she's burdened with a script that has the stench of a TV movie of the week.  It wants to tackle serious issues: the right time to lose one's virginity, child abandonment, teen pregnancy, and rape. Yet, it strives to be a light hearted adventure as well...often in the same scene. When Britney Spears fans flocked to the theaters to see Crossroads, little did the realize that they would be forced to endure a high school assembly, Hollywood style. The only thing missing is scene in which Lucy smokes pot.

However, the film's biggest flaw is that Lucy is not a particularly interesting character. This is not the fault of Spears, even a more accomplished actress, like Natalie Portman, would struggle to breathe life into such a one dimensional character. Lucy is, like Mary Poppins, "practically perfect in every way." Her main flaw is her timid nature, but she overcomes that hurdle rather quickly in the narrative. Hell, by mid film she's on stage, strutting her stuff at a karaoke bar. She's never wrong about ANYTHING, even her impulsive actions prove to be the correct decisions; she goes on a road trip with her friends, without her father's permission, and is rewarded with a recording contract by movie's end. She puts her complete trust in a total stranger, Ben, and finds the love of her life. Her only misstep (and this arguable) is when she visits her estranged mom and is given the cold shoulder. However, this encounter makes her a stronger person and it allows for her to close that chapter in her life. She's met her mom, is completely unimpressed, and can now focus on her future without interruption.

Lucy is the class valedictorian and more importantly, at least from the film's stand point, a virgin. She's an extremely good girl and, in a Hollywood sense, kind of a nerd. Despite looking like Britney Spears, she can't peak the interest of any males in the high school, except for her geeky lab partner Henry (Justin Long). Henry and Lucy have made a pact that if neither had been laid by the time of graduation, they would lose their virginity to one another. Naturally, Henry is stoked that he's about to score with Britney Spears..

.. I mean Lucy Wagner. Later on, Henry is lying in a hotel bed and Lucy emerges from the bathroom, wearing a tuxedo jacket. Marvin Gaye's "Lets Get It On" blares in the background. She then loses the jacket to reveal that she's wearing sexy pink, lacy underwear.

She climbs into bed with him and it looks Henry will become a MAN. But...in one of the worst cock teases in cinema history...Lucy has second thoughts and tells Henry she wants her first time to be special. She climbs out of bed  and he is borderline suicidal. He pleads with her to have a heart, but to no avail.He rose so high, only to fall so far! Poor Henry! Imagine if you are parent and you are taking your  pre-teen daughter to see this movie, what is your reaction when this scene pops up? If you were a teenaged boy when this film was released, this was one of the finest moments of your adolescent life. Britney Spears is hot, man! MOST males will probably enjoy the scenes in which Britney Spears prances about in skimpy outfits and, brother, there are plenty of those. If you were a teenaged girl in the audience when this film was released, your consolation prize was Justin Long in his boxers. Alright!

When Lucy was little she buried a time capsule with her two friends, Kit and Mimi, and they vowed to dig it up on their high school graduation, promising to be best friends forever! This, however, didn't happen and over the years the three of them grew apart: Lucy is a honor roll student, Kit is focused primarily on her popularity, and Mimi is a true outsider, she is pregnant. However, despite their initial reluctance, the three of them meet up and open the time capsule. They reconnect over the wishes they shared while burying it; Lucy wanted to see her mother, Kit wanted to be married, and Mimi wanted to travel to California. Mimi then mentions that she's going to Los Angeles for a record contract audition and suggests the two of them should tag a long with her. They happily agree; on the way, Lucy can visit her mom in Tuscon, Arizona and Kit can see her fiance living in Los Angeles. It's a win win situation for everyone! Or so they think!

Accompanying them on their journey is Ben, the owner of the 1969 Buick Skylark that will be taking them to their destination. Ben is something of an enigma at first and the girls are constantly at odds with him, it doesn't help that they blare horrible pop music on his radio.

For the males in the audience, this is when Crossroads turns into a full fledged horror film. We can easily relate to the pain Ben must feel as he is forced to share a car with three loud and annoying females. It is a fate worse than death! Ben, however, is a trooper and later gets rewarded for his bravery: he gets laid. He is Lucy's special someone. Oh, it should be noted that Lucy is making this trek across the country without the permission of her dad, instead she leaves him a note. He is overprotective of his little angel and would never allow her to make such a trip, especially if he knew there was a man involved. I say man, because Ben has clearly been around.

BUT WHAT'S THIS?! The car has broken down! And the girls don't have enough money to fix it! Well, it looks like this trip has come to a dead end. Or has it? For just around the corner is a karaoke bar....NOT JUST ANY KARAOKE BAR! For at this bar the the patrons give tips to good singers. The owner passes around a tip jar and the customers mindlessly drop their hard earned cash into it. It's a cinch! Mimi will get up on stage and regale the customers with her amazing vocals, while Kit and Lucy will be back up singers. It can not fail! The girls don some skimpy outfits (who is this film's target audience, again?) and are ready to amaze the world. OH NO! Mimi has developed stage fright and can't go on. On top of that some insensitive jerk in the audience heckles her for being pregnant. Lucy bears the burden on her shoulders and takes over vocal duty, she struggles at first, but then finds her confidence and floors the patrons with her rendition of the Joan Jett classic, "I Love Rock N' Roll!" A star is born. Meanwhile, Joan Jett is reduced to tears, listening to her song get murdered in such a brutal fashion.

The tips are more than enough to fix the car and the gang rolls merrily on their way to their next adventure.

I saw this movie with my friends at North Shore Cinema (we made it a point to see every bad movie) and after the "I Love Rock N' Roll" number ended, we started to applaud in an extremely mocking manner. Much to our delight, the Britney Spears fans in the audience joined in on the applause as well, but for an extremely different reason. Both of sides of the fence had been stunned by what they had just witnessed.
And the question you're probably asking is, "Why did you spend valuable money on a Britney Spears movie?" The answer: I didn't. I worked at North Shore at the time (as did my friends), so we saw it for free.

 A few revelations are made during the girl's trip across the States:

1) Mimi got pregnant after a guy got her drunk and raped her at a party. Mimi doesn't reveal too much about the guy, except that he was holding a BLUE BEER BOTTLE! I wonder if this will come into play later on in the film.

2) Lucy reveals her singer/songwriter ambitions to Ben. She's working on a song and reads it aloud to Ben, who then sets it to music on a conveniently nearby piano. The name of the song, "I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman." (It should be noted that most of the songwriters on Britney Spears' songs at this time were men in their late 20s/early 30s. If that isn't creepy, then I don't know what is.)

3) Ben, despite his gruff exterior, is really a nice guy once you get to know him. Lucy and him form a strong bond, despite the fact that she is just barely out of high school and he is pushing thirty.

4) Lucy finally meets her mother, Caroline (Kim Cattrall), who abandoned her when he was a still a toddler. Caroline is less than pleased to see Lucy. She remarried and has two sons. Then, off screen, it is revealed that Caroline never wanted Lucy and that she was mistake. Lucy, naturally, breaks down in tears as Ben comforts her in the motel bathroom.

The gang finally arrives in L.A. and Kit decides to surprise her fiance, Dylan, and takes Mimi along with her. Kit is absolutely ecstatic to see him, while Dylan is less than thrilled to see her, Mimi on the other hand is curiously silent. Dylan has been unfaithful to Kit and has another woman in the apartment, but more importantly, he is holding a BLUE BEER BOTTLE! Kit puts two and two together and punches him. Mimi gets scared, runs away and manages fall down a flight of stairs, losing her baby in the process. Meanwhile, Lucy loses her virginity to Ben. It's a truly special moment!

And it needs to be asked again: What target audience is this film geared towards? It's attitude towards sex is even more perplexing. Mimi has lived a wild life and as a result got raped and pregnant for her efforts. Kit is engaged to Dylan, who is a shallow dip shit, so it can be assumed that she lost her virginity sometime ago.  LOOK WHAT HAPPENS...her fiance is a two timing scum bug and a rapist to boot. The trip is total disaster for these two. Lucy, on the other hand, rejects her first opportunity for sex and as a result, she ends up with a stud like Ben AND recording contract by film's end. Lucy's special someone is a drifter (pushing thirty) that she just met a few days ago with nothing to his name except an old car.  But, hey, it's OK, that contract will make her rich and famous, so money is no longer an issue. I'm probably over thinking this movie just a tad bit, but I can't help it. Back to the story, already in progress.

Lucy finds out about Mimi and goes to the hospital to visit her. There is a lot of hugging and female bonding, thus ensuring the audience that everything will be okay. Lucy's dad arrives and wants to take her home, but she stands up to him. She tells him her dream and goes to the record contract audition, despite his reservations. She performs "I'm Not  A Girl, Not Yet a Woman" in front of the record execs and is given a standing ovation, even her disapproving dad claps. She has realized her dream, while Kit and Mimi are content with being her back ups. The film ends with the girls burying another time capsule and goofing about as they walk away from it.

If this film was tailored to showcase the many talents of Britney Spears, then it is a horrible failure. Shouldn't a film geared for a certain fan base strive to entertain it's audience, rather than depress it? Sure, things work out well for Lucy, but Kit and Mimi's lives go to absolute shit! It's a film more suitable to middle aged housewives, than perky teenaged girls. What makes A Hard Day's Night a classic film (other than the fact that Beatles are infinitely more talented Britney Spears) is that it is essentially about nothing. It doesn't tackle important issues or serve up some heavy handed message; it merely asks the audience to observe the Beatles  and draw up their own conclusions. It also helps that the Beatles were paired with an extremely gifted director, Richard Lester. Unfortunately, Tamra Davis is no Richard Lester.  But then again, Britney Spears is no John Lennon, nor Ringo Starr for that matter.

While Crossroads was a modest hit at the box office (it cost 10 million to make, grossed 60 million worldwide), it didn't help Spears movie aspirations, either. She hasn't starred in a movie ever since. On the other hand, it certainly didn't hurt Spears' co-stars; Zoe Saldana has gone on to a fairly successful acting career, co-starring in James Cameron's Avatar and J.J. Abrams Star Trek movies. Sadly, it couldn't jump start Dan Aykroyd's declining movie career, it has gotten so bad that he's been reduced to selling vodka in  crystal skull shaped bottles. Poor guy!  He deserves so much better!

Cast: Britney Spears (Lucy Wagner), Zoe Saldana (Kit), Taryn Manning (Mimi), Anson Mount (Ben), Dan Aykroyd (Peter Wagner), Kim Cattrall (Caroline), Justin Long (Henry).
Director: Tamra Davis
Writer: Shonda Rimes
Running Time: 93 min.