Crossroads (2002)

Britney Spears! It's a name that will always get a mixed reaction. There a die hard Britney Spears fans that think she is one of the greatest performers of all time. Then there are people that think Britney Spears is the death of music itself. I find the majority of her music appallingly bad, but at the same time it's no worse than that of the many teen idols that flooded the music scene in the early 60s and late 80s.  Try listening to Frankie Avalon's "Venus," if you don't believe me. And who can ever forget Tiffany's painful cover of the Tommy James classic "I Think We're Alone Now?"  God knows I've tried!  Plus, every once in a blue moon Britney Spears puts out a song that is listenable, if not good. I have a fondness for "I'm a Slave 4 U," "Toxic," and "I've Just Begun (Having My Fun)." Some of my more artistic minded friends will probably brand me a traitor.... oh well, so be it! I didn't say she was great, I just don't believe she's the Anti-Christ of the Music Industry. Chill!

November 1998 - the video for "Baby One More Time" premieres on MTV, thus beginning America's long love/hate relationship with Britney Spears. The video is controversial, because the teenage Spears dons a sexy school girl outfit, while prancing about the high school hallways. Parents are appalled as to what horrible influence this might have on their impressionable daughters, but soon the outrage dies down. It this video and the controversy that surrounds it the propels Britney Spears into super stardom. One has to wonder: If the video for "Baby One More Time" would have been less eye catching, would Britney Spears have a career. Let's say the instead of prancing about in a skimpy school girl outfit, the video consisted of her singing to a picture of her boyfriend, would it have found an audience? It was the crucial stepping stone in her rise to celebrity. It's an example of being at the right place at the right time. To Spears' credit, she's made the most of her opportunity.

Sept. 6, 2000, in which Britney Spears does a minor striptease on the 2000 MTV Video Music Awards, while desecrating the Rolling Stones classic "I Can't Get No Satisfaction." Once again parents are outraged, but the furor dies down just as soon as it started. Practically everyone is convinced that in a year, Miss Spears will be completely forgotten...doomed to wander the earth in complete obscurity. Meanwhile, Hollywood hopes to cash in on the craze by making a Britney Spears movie. It worked with The Beatles, therefore it sure as hell is going to work with Britney Spears. Of course, many other recording artists have also attempted the transition to the big screen and failed horribly: Vanilla Ice, the Spice Girls, and Mariah Carey come to mind.

Nonetheless on February 15, 2002, Crossroads was unleashed on the movie going public. In a way it seems unfair to openly criticize a film that is targeted for a specific audience: teenaged girls. It's not like director Tamra Davis and screenwriter Shonda Rimes were setting out to make a critically acclaimed work of art,
 no, they just wanted to make a film that would entertain Britney Spears' fan base. Can you really criticize a film with such low aims? Of course, you can. While Crossroads may have been made for teenaged girls, it has a sleazy, Ephebophiliac (my big word for this review) under current about it. The first time the audience is introduced to Britney Spears onscreen she is dancing around in her underwear, singing a long to the Madonna song "Open Your Heart." She prances about her bedroom, shaking her booty for all her adoring fans to see. Granted, compared to some of her later videos, this is pretty tame. She puts on a pair of sweat pants and continues with her singing, only to have her dad barge in on her, reminding her she has to get ready for her high school graduation.

Her dad is played by none other than DAN AYKROYD!!! What movie God did Aykroyd piss off that he's relegated to playing second fiddle to a pop star? This is the guy responsible for two of my favorite movies, The Blues Brothers and Ghostbusters, was one of the original cast members of "Saturday Day Night Live" and here he is slumming it in a Britney Spears vehicle. He's clearly a talented individual, yet somehow has't landed a decent gig since the early 90s. It's a depressing sight, indeed!  He deserves so much better!

In defense of the film, this scene does have an actual function; it reveals Lucy's secret ambition in life. She's been a straight A student her entire life and has done everything her dad has told her to do, but her dream is to be a singer/songwriter. The only time she can enact this dream is in the privacy of her bedroom, thus it completely takes her off guard when her dad busts in on her in an extremely vulnerable state. It also showcases her vocal "talents," so that later on in the film when she does a karaoke rendition of "I Love Rock N' Roll," the audience won't be confused at how she has inexplicably become a good singer. The debate as to whether or not Britney Spears is a talented singer still rages on to this very day.

Britney Spears does have an odd likability about her. She can't act worth a darn, her line delivery is especially stilted, but she does have a pleasant enough personality that you don't cringe when she's onscreen. She's also fairly adept at playing comedy, her appearances on "Saturday Night Live" and "How I Met Your Mother" attest to that, therefore it's a shame that she's burdened with a script that has the stench of a TV movie of the week.  It wants to tackle serious issues: the right time to lose one's virginity, child abandonment, teen pregnancy, and rape. Yet, it strives to be a light hearted adventure as well...often in the same scene. When Britney Spears fans flocked to the theaters to see Crossroads, little did the realize that they would be forced to endure a high school assembly, Hollywood style. The only thing missing is scene in which Lucy smokes pot.

However, the film's biggest flaw is that Lucy is not a particularly interesting character. This is not the fault of Spears, even a more accomplished actress, like Natalie Portman, would struggle to breathe life into such a one dimensional character. Lucy is, like Mary Poppins, "practically perfect in every way." Her main flaw is her timid nature, but she overcomes that hurdle rather quickly in the narrative. Hell, by mid film she's on stage, strutting her stuff at a karaoke bar. She's never wrong about ANYTHING, even her impulsive actions prove to be the correct decisions; she goes on a road trip with her friends, without her father's permission, and is rewarded with a recording contract by movie's end. She puts her complete trust in a total stranger, Ben, and finds the love of her life. Her only misstep (and this arguable) is when she visits her estranged mom and is given the cold shoulder. However, this encounter makes her a stronger person and it allows for her to close that chapter in her life. She's met her mom, is completely unimpressed, and can now focus on her future without interruption.

Lucy is the class valedictorian and more importantly, at least from the film's stand point, a virgin. She's an extremely good girl and, in a Hollywood sense, kind of a nerd. Despite looking like Britney Spears, she can't peak the interest of any males in the high school, except for her geeky lab partner Henry (Justin Long). Henry and Lucy have made a pact that if neither had been laid by the time of graduation, they would lose their virginity to one another. Naturally, Henry is stoked that he's about to score with Britney Sp...er I mean Lucy Wagner. Later on, Henry is lying in a hotel bed and Lucy emerges from the bathroom, wearing a tuxedo jacket. Marvin Gaye's "Lets Get It On" blares in the background. She then loses the jacket to reveal that she's wearing sexy pink, lacy underwear.

She climbs into bed with him and it looks Henry will become a MAN. But...in one of the worst cock teases in cinema history...Lucy has second thoughts and tells Henry she wants her first time to be special. She climbs out of bed  and he is borderline suicidal. He pleads with her to have a heart, but to no avail.He rose so high, only to fall so far! Poor Henry! Imagine if you are parent and you are taking your  pre-teen daughter to see this movie, what is your reaction when this scene pops up? If you were a teenaged boy when this film was released, this was one of the finest moments of your adolescent life. Britney Spears is hot, man! MOST males will probably enjoy the scenes in which Britney Spears prances about in skimpy outfits and, brother, there are plenty of those. If you were a teenaged girl in the audience when this film was released, your consolation prize was Justin Long in his boxers. Alright!

When Lucy was little she buried a time capsule with her two friends, Kit and Mimi, and they vowed to dig it up on their high school graduation, promising to be best friends forever! This, however, didn't happen and over the years the three of them grew apart: Lucy is a honor roll student, Kit is focused primarily on her popularity, and Mimi is a true outsider, she is pregnant. However, despite their initial reluctance, the three of them meet up and open the time capsule. They reconnect over the wishes they shared while burying it; Lucy wanted to see her mother, Kit wanted to be married, and Mimi wanted to travel to California. Mimi then mentions that she's going to Los Angeles for a record contract audition and suggests the two of them should tag a long with her. They happily agree; on the way, Lucy can visit her mom in Tuscon, Arizona and Kit can see her fiance living in Los Angeles. It's a win win situation for everyone! Or so they think!

Accompanying them on their journey is Ben, the owner of the 1969 Buick Skylark that will be taking them to their destination. Ben is something of an enigma at first and the girls are constantly at odds with him, it doesn't help that they blare horrible pop music on his radio.

For the males in the audience, this is when Crossroads turns into a full fledged horror film. We can easily relate to the pain Ben must feel as he is forced to share a car with three loud and annoying females. It is a fate worse than death! Ben, however, is a trooper and later gets rewarded for his bravery: he gets laid. He's Lucy's special someone. Oh, it should be noted that Lucy is making this trek across the country without the permission of her dad, instead she leaves him a note. He's pretty overprotective of his little angel and would never allow her to make such a trip, especially if he knew there was a man involved. I say man, because Ben has clearly been around.

BUT WHAT'S THIS?! The car has broken down! And the girls don't have enough money to fix it! Well, it looks like this trip has come to a dead end. Or has it? For just around the corner is a karaoke bar....NOT JUST ANY KARAOKE BAR! For at this bar the the patrons give tips to good singers. The owner passes around a tip jar and the customers mindlessly drop their hard earned cash into it. It's a cinch! Mimi will get up on stage and regale the customers with her amazing vocals, while Kit and Lucy will be back up singers. It can not fail! The girls don some skimpy outfits (who is this film's target audience, again?) and are ready to amaze the world. OH NO! Mimi has developed stage fright and can't go on. On top of that some insensitive jerk in the audience heckles her for being pregnant. Lucy bears the burden on her shoulders and takes over vocal duty, she struggles at first, but then finds her confidence and floors the patrons with her rendition of the Joan Jett classic, "I Love Rock N' Roll!" A star is born. Meanwhile, Joan Jett is reduced to tears, listening to her song get murdered in such a brutal fashion.

The tips are more than enough to fix the car and the gang rolls merrily on their way to their next adventure.
I saw this movie with my friends at North Shore Cinema (we made it a point to see every bad movie) and after the "I Love Rock N' Roll" number ended, we started to applaud in an extremely mocking manner. Much to our delight, the Britney Spears fans in the audience joined in on the applause as well, but for an extremely different reason. Both of sides of the fence had been stunned by what they had just witnessed.
And the question you're probably asking is, "Why did you spend valuable money on a Britney Spears movie?" The answer: I didn't. I worked at North Shore at the time (as did my friends), so we got to see it for free.

 A few revelations are made during the girl's trip across the States:

1) Mimi got pregnant after a guy got her drunk and raped her at a party. Mimi doesn't reveal too much about the guy, except that he was holding a BLUE BEER BOTTLE! I wonder if this will come into play later on in the film.
2) Lucy reveals her singer/songwriter ambitions to Ben. She's working on a song and reads it to aloud Ben, who then sets it to music on a conveniently nearby piano. The name of the song, "I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman." (It should be noted that most of the songwriters on Britney Spears' songs at this time were men in their late 20s/early 30s. If that isn't creepy, then I don't know what is.)

3) Ben, despite his gruff exterior, is really a nice guy once you get to know him. Lucy and him form a strong bond, despite the fact that she is just barely out of high school and he is pushing 30.
4) Lucy finally meets her mother, Caroline (Kim Cattrall), who abandoned her when he was a still a toddler. Caroline is less than pleased to see Lucy. She remarried and has two sons. Then, off screen, it is revealed that Caroline never wanted Lucy and that she was mistake. Lucy, naturally, breaks down in tears as Ben comforts her in the motel bathroom.

The gang finally arrives in L.A. and Kit decides to surprise her fiance, Dylan, and takes Mimi along with her. Kit is absolutely ecstatic to see him, while Dylan is less than thrilled to see her, Mimi on the other hand is curiously silent. Dylan has been unfaithful to Kit and has another woman in the apartment, but more importantly, he is holding a BLUE BEER BOTTLE! Kit puts two and two together and punches him. Mimi gets scared, runs away and manages fall down a flight of stairs, losing her baby in the process. Meanwhile, Lucy loses her virginity to Ben. It's a truly special moment!

And it needs to be asked again: What target audience is this film geared towards? It's attitude towards sex is even more perplexing. Mimi has lived a wild life and as a result got raped and pregnant for her efforts. Kit is engaged to Dylan, who is a shallow dip shit, so it can be assumed that she lost her virginity sometime ago.  LOOK WHAT HAPPENS...her fiance is a two timing scum bug and a rapist to boot. The trip is total disaster for these two. Lucy, on the other hand, rejects her first opportunity for sex and as a result, she ends up with a stud like Ben AND recording contract by film's end. Lucy's special someone is a drifter (pushing 30) that she just met a few days ago with nothing to his name except an old car.  But, hey, it's OK, that contract will make her rich and famous, so money is no longer an issue. I'm probably over thinking this movie just a tad bit, but I can't help it. Back to the story, already in progress.

Lucy finds out about Mimi and goes to the hospital to visit her. There's lot of hugging and female bonding, thus ensuring the audience that everything will be okay. Lucy's dad arrives and wants to take her home, but she stands up to him. She tells him her dream and goes to the record contract audition, despite his reservations. She performs "I'm Not  A Girl, Not Yet a Woman" in front of the record execs and is given a standing ovation, even her disapproving dad claps. She has realized her dream, while Kit and Mimi are content with being her back ups. The film ends with the girls burying another time capsule and goofing about as they walk away from it.

If this film was tailored to showcase the many talents of Britney Spears, then it is a horrible failure. Shouldn't a film geared for a certain fan base strive to entertain it's audience, rather than depress it? Sure, things work out well for Lucy, but Kit and Mimi's lives go to absolute shit! It's a film more suitable to middle aged housewives, then perky teenaged girls. What makes A Hard Day's Night a classic film (other than the fact that Beatles are infinitely more talented Britney Spears) is that it is essentially about nothing. It doesn't tackle important issues or serve up some heavy handed message; it merely asks the audience to observe the Beatles  and draw up their own conclusions. It also helps that the Beatles were paired with an extremely gifted director, Richard Lester. Unfortunately, Tamra Davis is no Richard Lester.  But then again, Britney Spears is no John Lennon, nor Ringo Starr for that matter.

While Crossroads was a modest hit at the box office (it cost 10 million to make, grossed 60 million worldwide), it didn't help Spears movie aspirations, either. She hasn't starred in a movie ever since. On the other hand, it certainly didn't hurt Spears' co-stars; Zoe Saldana has gone on to a fairly successful acting career, co-starring in James Cameron's Avatar and J.J. Abrams Star Trek movies. Sadly, it couldn't jump start Dan Aykroyd's declining movie career, it has gotten so bad that he's been reduced to selling vodka in  crystal skull shaped bottles. Poor guy!  He deserves so much better!

Cast: Britney Spears (Lucy Wagner), Zoe Saldana (Kit), Taryn Manning (Mimi), Anson Mount (Ben), Dan Aykroyd (Peter Wagner), Kim Cattrall (Caroline), Justin Long (Henry).
Director: Tamra Davis
Writer: Shonda Rimes
Running Time: 93 min.